2009, A year of the metal

Hey all, long time no see.

OK, so as most of you know, I love metal. I don't hate on other types of music, I just love metal. It's my jams. I do my best to convince my peeps that they should love metal as well, but still, only, like, a couple of my friends are fellow metal heads. I mean, I love my friends dearly, but seriously guys...be a little cooler. At least pretend every now and again.

Anyways, I've been super-stoked that this year has had a ton of super-badass metal releases, so here, I'll try to convince you to love metal...

first off
Lamb of God-Wrath

The most recent release from what is probably my favorite band is absolutely skull-fuckingly awesome. It's got everything a metal-head could ask for. I honestly expected flames to shoot out of the speakers when the opening riff of "In Your Words" started to blast. This is thrash metal at its best. Here, see for yourself...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_xy0vIubcdA

Sorry for no embedding, but it might kill my blog for that much awesomeness to be just right there, staring at you. But, seriously, isn't that fucking badass. It is, isn't it. It's like in Bloodsport, when Van Damme is facing a pile of bricks, and he hits the top one, but has so much control that it only smashes the bottom one...It's like that. The fucking THRASH!!!!

Exhibit b
Cannibal Corpse - Evisceration Plague

The godfathers of Gory Death Metal bludgeon you with their newest release. These songs are fucking great...all about zombies and shit. It's just brutal. I might be willing to forgive you for not liking this, if songs about crazy monsters and zombies eating people aren't your thing. But give this a look...



see, Zombies and shit...and isn't Corpsegrinder like the scariest person in the world...who does nothing but play world of warcraft when he's not singing about murdering suckas. I mean, this is so badass, it's like that part in Bloodsport, when that big dude breaks Van Damme's friends back, and then just looks at him, and Van Damme is really worried about his friend, but still has a look in his eyes like he's gonna smash that dude..just like that.

Example 3
Mastodon - Crack The Skye

Now, this is a lot less brutal, but no less awesome. This is what passes for a metal concept album. It's all about a boy, and inter-dimensional travel, and, like, Rasputin takes over the kids body...and, like, the theories of Stephen Hawking...Fuck it, I have no idea what these songs are really about, but they are still dome-blowingly good.

Mastodon: Divinations - New Video


Yeah, that's right, a caveman playing a guitar solo...and a fucking yeti. Do you need any more convincing? This is like that part in Bloodsport, when the Asian tough guy challenges Van Damme to snatch the coin out of his hand, and he thinks Van Damme hasn't done it, but when he opens his hands he sees that Van Damme actually snatched the coin, and replaced it with another.

Next,
Goatwhore - Carving Out The Eyes of God

Now, I know what you're saying...Goatwhore, what kind of a name is that? It sounds to awesome to be true...Well, it's almost too awesome to be true, but it's true. Now, I might also understand if you don't care for songs about armies from hell marauding across the countryside, but you should, because its, you guessed it, awesome.



No videos yet, the record just came out last week, but that song is killer. It's like that part in bloodsport, when Van Damme's opponent pretends to be knocked out, and tries to sneak Van Damme, but Van Damme just elbows the dude, and knocks his gold tooth out. Just like that.

lastly,
Darkest Hour - The Eternal Return

These songs are exhausting they're so great. It's a fast record that doesn't take long to listen to, but it feels like running a marathon. While the other records are packed with evil, or rage, or murder...this record is packed with sheer...emotion and sadness, and legitimate anger at the state of things. Darkest Hour is an amazing band.



Again, no video, the record also just came out last tuesday. Not really like anything in Bloodsport. Just really, really great.

anyway, I know it's a pretty long post. I don't blame you if you found some of them abrasive. I hope you gave some of the songs a chance. I at least hope you found this post somewhat interesting. Even if you don't like this, at least be happy for me that this metal year has been very fruitful. You can at least do that, Can't you?

until next time

Keith

Video Game Rage

Hey all, I know it's been awhile. For that, I'm sorry. Hopefully this post will make up for the lack of weekliness.

The subject of this weekly Keith is something that I'm sure a large portion of you know...Video Game Rage. It's a pretty serious problem that affects about 77% of the video gaming population. What is VGR? Well, it involves a lot of cursing, some throwing of stuff, faces turning red, more cursing. VGR is the bane of video game controllers everywhere, and usually involve their destruction. I've even heard of extreme cases where players are so filled with rage that they will bite the poor controller. This is on the extreme side of VGR, and I hope I never witness such rage.

VGR is serious fucking business. It's cause? Losing at video games.

Here is an extreme example of VGR...



It's never a matter of gamer skill that causes outbursts, it's that the game is cheating. The antagonist of all gamers is "the computer". This explains things like, "The fucking computer cheated me." or, "This game is cheap...fucking computer." or, "Fuck, sonofacock, piece of shit, monkey fart, bastard computer."

I, myself, have suffered from video game rage, especially in my younger years. One story, in particular, I like to tell involves the original incarnation of the Madden football franchise. I was winning 72 - 0. You might be wondering, 'how could a successful game of Madden result in VGR?', well, VGR isn't a logical malady. Anyway, the computer scored a touchdown on a kick return. My 10 year old body couldn't handle this turn of events...so, I grabbed the Super-Nintendo controller by the cord and swung it around my head like a grappling hook, and smashed it into the wall. Yes, this was a stupid thing to do, and I knew it right away, but the result wasn't all that terrible. The only damage to the controller was that you couldn't go left. This made me unbeatable in two player games, because I would give the other player that controller and stack my defense to one side of the field...GENIUS.

Nowadays I have calmed down quite a bit in my gaming, and if I feel those familiar rage bubbles building I just quit playing. Of course, a few curse words usually slip out, but that's okay. This can sometimes result in awesome quotes...my favorite is..."Fuck this fucking skank game...I quit."

So, next time you hear someone playing a game yelling about how they are getting cheated, or questioning the sexuality of a video game, just keep in mind that they can't help it. VGR is not a choice, it's a disease...

...a really funny disease.

Keith

Ten things I learned from Predator...

1. Nobody, and I mean nobody, looks as badass smoking a cigar as Arnold.

2. Jesse "the body" Ventura is the greatest actor ever to live...and I quote "Y'all are a bunch of slack-jawed faggots...this shit will make you a goddamned sexual Tyrannasaurus." He's referring to chewing tobacco. He also, apparently, doesn't have time to bleed.

3. The nerdy glasses dude will always be the first person to get mangled in a mercenarial mission. It's science.

4. South America is scary.

5. When Carl Weathers and Arnold are in a room together, the only way to get rid of the excess manliness is an impromptu air arm-wrestling match. Don't know what that is? Watch the fucking movie.

6. Bill Duke likes Little Richard...and shaves without shaving cream. He's a man.

7. Apparently, native Americans are great trackers and, when faced with a Predator, prefer to take it on shirtless, armed only with a hunting knife.

8. In the jungle, you can cut a vine in half, and drink water from it.

9. If something bleeds, you can kill it.

10. GET TO THE CHOPPAH!!!!!

The Cleaning of the Sleep Machine

Hey all, What's up? "Hey, The Weekly Keith...What's that?" Well, dear reader, that is a dirty clothes bouquet, and I made it just for you. You may also know it as a hamper overflowing with dirty clothes. "That's nice, The Weekly Keith...But where did it come from?" I'll tell you, dear reader...

So I was watching the new Punisher movie today, and marveling at how awesome Jimmy McNulty is as Jigsaw, when I got the urge to go into my room and tidy up a bit...That's right...I decided it was time to unclutter "The Sleep Machine."

Now, most of the readers have been to my apartment and have seen my room, and know it's a disaster area. This is maily due to the fact that I don't have a dresser, but instead just pile my clothes on the floor. A Clean Pile, and a Dirty Pile. The problem as of late, though, is that the two piles have decided to merge into a single entity. It was threatening to take over the entire area. So, as I said, it was time to do this shit.

Before I continue, I must tell you...I'm not ashamed to admit that my room is a mess. It's an integral part of me...and I don't buy into that whole thing link between a cluttered room and a cluttered mind...That's just bullshit. It's my room, and I keep it the way I want to. All I do in there is sleep and get dressed. That's it. So, if you want to judge, judge something else.

OK, so back to the matter at hand. I decided to spruce up the place a bit. So I turned on the new Mastodon record (which is fucking awesome), and started on a journey of self-discovery.

I found a whole bunch of crap I forgot I even had. I found my Happy Days Mr. Cunningham action figure that Allen gave me. I found my VHS copy of The Hitman starring Chuck Norris (wish I'd found a VCR, too). I found a whole bunch of khaki pants, not that I wear them, on hangers. I even found a flannel shirt...I didn't even know I had a fucking flannel shirt. I mean, it was fun. Like Christmas, only instead of a tree and packages, you have dirty clothes.

Perhaps most important of all, I found my copy of the Russin and Downs screenwriting book. I'd been looking for that thing for a while, and BAM, under a pair of blue-jeans.

The funny thing about all these dirty clothes is that I had an empty hamper stuck behind my door. There was no need to even have a dirty clothes pile. Anyways, I began to fill the hamper, and fill, and fill, and fill, all the while finding little treasures. Eventually I finished sorting the clean from the dirty, and my hamper was overflowing. It was amazing. Had I waited another day...I don't even want to think about that. The planet may have collapsed in on itself, killing all life. I don't want to do that, I like some of you.

The next step is doing laundry. I hate doing laundry.

Now, I don't want to give the impression that my room is in any way clean. It's still filthy. It's just a little more organized...and swiffered. That's the best you're going to get.

I know this isn't that great of a post, but really I don't care. The next one might not be even better. You want quality? I cannot guarantee any. I can guarantee you this...Dirty clothes bouquets for everyone.

Heh, I just realized I'm airing my dirty laundry on the internet...Get it?

Keith

The Greatest Movies of all time Part 2 (of a whole bunch)

Hey all, I've decided I can't wait, seeing as the last one was so much fun...although it didn't garner much of a response, jerk-faces...I didn't mean that. Come back. I'll be nice. I promise.

Anyway, this The Weekly Keith is going to be dedicated to two movies that are very close to my heart. Both star The Governator, Arnold Schwarzenegger AKA the most awesome dude ever...EVER. Who else can be in movies where he kills an average of 314 people (do the math) and still warm people's hearts? Someone tell me, cause I'm dying to know. They also feature the super-hot Linda Hamilton. Can you guess? C'mon, don't be shy...guess.
OK, you're stumped..."I'll be back." "Hasta La Vista, Baby." Ringing any bells.

It's THE TERMINATOR...yeah, fuckin' A!!!!

Ok, so I'll admit it. I saw T2 before I saw The Terminator, and I was underwhelmed. There was no liquid metal man. Linda Hamilton wasn't as awesome (more on that when I talk about T2).
I just didn't think it was as cool. But I was a kid. Let me off the fricking hook.
After many subsequent viewings, most recently on BluRay (as a side note, this movie on BluRay warrants upgrading), and I must say, not only does this movie rock, this movie FUCKING ROCKS!!!!!!! Count 'em. 7 exclamation points. What was I thinking as a kid? The chase scenes, the special effects...Michael f'ing Biehn. Arnold is so fricking scary. Come to think of it, that may be one of the reasons why I was lukewarm to this movie as a kid. I was introduced to the T-800 as a loveable pet cyborg. He didn't kill people...he was a good guy. Well, not in this movie. He is exactly what his name implies. He's a terminator. He terminates, that's all he does. The only thing he does is kill people. He doesn't eat, or sleep, or ponder. No...He just kills. When he's thinking, he's thinking "what can I do to do the maximum amount of damage in this situation?" Well, this famous scene demonstrates that perfectly



Linda Hamilton in this movie, she's fricking adorable. Seriously, she's got no chance against this killer cyborg. Granted, she'll become a super-badass, but at the beginning of this movie it seems like a lost cause. She's gonna teach the future savior of mankind how to defeat our machine overlords? Doubtful, you better get used to being a slave, man. But, along comes Michael Biehn, this dude should be in every movie ever made. He's not as cool as Kurt Russell, but he's got the same kind of awesome that Kurt does. He's gonna shape Sarah Connor into a badass, cold-blooded killer.

Then...the final sequence. A motorcycle, car chase: check. A semi-truck chasing a smaller truck ending in an explosion: check. Pipe Bombs: check. The Terminator losing all his fake skin, and chasing the people around as a metal skeleton thing: FUCKING CHECK AND MATE.

I really could sum up my feelings for this movie with "AAAAAHHHHHHH!!!! THE FUCKING TERMINATOR IS FUCKING AWESOME!!!!!!!!!"

Which brings me to....

TERMINATOR 2: JUDGMENT DAY

I'm going to try to remain calm, but it's taking everything I have to not write this entire review in all-caps. I'm also worried I might have a stroke or something if I get too excited. I love this movie. I've seen it over 25 times (no I'm not kidding). Just thinking about the openning credits...the music...Sarah Connor's voice-over...The Aerial HK's, and the tanks...and the tracking shot that ends with a close-up of John Connor. Oh, man. I kind of want to watch it right now.

I'm the person that isn't satisfied with the theatrical cut of this movie. I want as much of this movie as I can get. I want as much of this mythology as I can get, as much of the world. I want to see the Terminator try and smile. I want to see Sarah nearly smash his CPU. I want all of that. I wish this movie lasted 9 hours. Actually, I wish it never ended, and I could come home and watch some new part each day.

Now, the first thing I need to talk about in this movie...Linda fucking Hamilton. What a performance. How did she go from the chick in Beauty and the Beast to this badass. Seriously...She is terrifying. She actually turns herself into a terminator. The scene when she escapes...cracking that smug prick silbermann with the night stick. "You broke my arm." To which she replies "There's 215 bones in the human body...That's one". That's right, you jerk, she'll break every bone IN YOUR FUCKING BODY. Man, it's saying something about a movie that has Arnold Schwarzenegger, Robert Patrick, and a whole bunch of shit blowing up, and she's the most badass part of it. Fuck you, Academy, for not giving her an oscar.

Of course, I would be remiss if I didn't point out one major flaw of this movie...Edward Furlong. What a fucking dweeb. I mean, he does a good enough job, and I've seen this movie so many times that I can't picture anyone else in the role...but he's just kind of a bad actor. But hey, he's a kid. I'll give it a pass.

The action sequences in this movie...H-O-L-Y S-H-I-T. I still have not seen a movie with chase scenes, or shoot-outs as good as this. Yes, that includes The Dark Knight. What separates these from others? It all boils down to how inventive they are. We've all seen the shootouts in The Matrix...those are easy, just shoot until everyone is dead. But in this, The Terminator has been ordered not to kill. So, he finds different ways to not kill people. Leg shots ("He'll Live"), tear gas, simply blowing shit up so they run away...This is creative action film-making. And, just like in the first movie, the final chase sequence. First, I'll chase you with a helicopter while you drive a Swat vehicle, and when we're done with that, I'll chase you with a fricking Semi full of Liquid Nitrogen, while your in an apple orchard truck. Then we'll finish this little game up in a steel mill. Yeah, that's right.

I feel like I'm forgetting something...Oh, yeah. An even scarier terminator, made out of LIQUID FUCKING METAL. He's a stabbing robot, who runs really fast. Man, Robert Patrick just doesn't emote...at all. While generally that's a bad thing for a performance, here...How in the world does he never change his facial expression. I mean, stuff is blowing up all around him. Guns going off, and he never blinks. Awesome.



Seriously, I love these fan trailers. I feel this one gets across my point of how awesome this movie is.

...except for the thumbs up at the end. You all know what I'm talking about. I hate the thumbs up. His circuits would be fried at that point, and he would not be able to send the message to his thumb to go up. It's just ludicrous in a movie that is so realistic that this would happen...

I think the series ends with this one. Terminator 3 and the new one are like spin-offs. While they may be good, even awesome (I'm hoping that Salvation kicks ass, so you know), I don't think they count. I'm just saying, is all.

Anyway, until next time.

Keith

The Greatest Movies...OF ALL TIME!!! (Part 1 of ?)

Hey all, it's late and I want to tell you something. Something about my favorite movies...Now, this going to be a multi-part The Weekly Keith. I'm going to give you a handful each week. I'm not going to rank them, because...well...I don't want to. That and I don't want to wait to get to the really super awesome ones. So, here...we...go...

Re-Animator- "I gave him life."
Let's start this deal off with a bang, or should I say a Splat. What does this movie have that makes it so great? Well, there's exploding eyeballs. There's Jeffrey Combs. There's an awesome black cat that gets killed, brought back to life, and then splattered against the wall, and then brought back to life again. There's a shovel beheading. There's intestines that shoot out of a guy and attack another guy. There's lobotomies...and...Oh, man this is so good. Remember when I said there was a shovel decapitation, well...that guy...he is brought back to life, and he's carrying his head around...and there's this girl he likes that he kidnaps, and she's naked on a table...Well, it's awesome. Let's leave it at that.
Seriously, how could you not want to see this movie, RIGHT NOW?



The Shawshank Redemption - "Get Busy Livin' or Get Busy Dyin'"
Oh, man. I got a little misty just writing that line. I cry a lot anyway, but even I think my weeping at this movie is excessive. I'm not saying I ever want to go to prison, but if I could find a friend like Red, it wouldn't be so terrible...you know...except for all the prison rape, beatings, and shitty prison food.
But seriously, this movie is so, so good. Morgan Freeman is the coolest dude ever to walk the yard. Tim Robbins, I just feel so bad for him because he seems like such a nice guy.
My favorite moment is Red's last parole hearing, and Red is all, like, "fuck you, dude. I'll stay in here forever, I'm not putting up with anymore of your crap.", and the other dude is like "OK, Red. I respect your honesty, so I'm gonna parole your ass."
Every time I finish watching this movie, I just want to stand up...tears streaming down my face...wearing a huge smile...and cheer and clap and yell. (look at all those ands.)



The Sword of Doom - “I, Ryunosuke Tsukue, trust only my sword in this world. When I fight, I have no family.”
I want to go buy a samurai sword...and just walk around, grunting at people. When someone looks at me cross-eyed...Swipe. Yeah, that's what the beginning of this movie makes me want to do. The last 15 minutes or so...Completely different story. You see this is a movie about a completely evil dude. He can't help it. He's not greedy, or maniacal, he's just...EVIL. He's like a Slayer riff. Any situation he encounters he always makes the most evil choice possible. He's not happy, he's not sad, he just is.
Until the end, when all his ghosts start to haunt him. His reaction...whip out his sword and slash them. He starts to destroy a room, and then a bunch of dudes who want to assassinate him attack. Well, they didn't know what the fuck they were in for, because Ryunosuke is feeling a bit kill-ey. The bloodshed that follows isn't all pretty like your used to. It's brutal...Probably one of the most brutal scenes I've ever seen. This movie is FUCKING AWESOME!!!!
This is an awesome trailer redux this dude did.




Anyway, that's enough for tonight. I'm going to bed.

Keith

the JAMS...3 Records I refuse to live without.

What up, all? Oh, me?...I'm just chillin'. Cranking up some tunage. Enough of that.

The subject of this weekly Keith is...My favorite jams. The title probably told you that, but I felt the need to reiterate what I was preparing to blab about.

Record numbah 1

Slayer - South of Heaven (1988)
The high-point of the sheer wall of awesome that is Slayer. I think when they were making this record, they decided that they were going to make every song be as evil as possible. Really, you could say this about every Slayer record, but this one is really fucking evil. That opening riff...Man, every time I hear it, I fear for my soul.



Seriously, don't you feel like Satan was looking right at you when that riff started? So badass.
Mandatory Suicide is the shit as well, and the Judas Priest cover Dissident Aggressor is also really awesome. Fuck it, this entire record will stomp your face off. Really...Just LISTEN TO SLAYER!!!

B.)

At The Drive-In -- Relationship of Command (2000)
Not as evil as Slayer, not really evil at all...but it's pretty fast and energetic. I've listened to this record constantly for quite a while, and I'm blown away by how great it is. ATDI, as those in the know are known to abbreviate their name, are a pretty awesome hardcore band from Texas...were a pretty awesome hardcore band. Unfortunately, they broke up. Their remnants made two really superb bands you may have heard of...Sparta and The Mars Volta...How awesome is a band, that when they split, they create 2 really fucking awesome bands? They're like...some sort of Rock Amoeba, splitting into infinite bodies of the Rock. Seriously, don't believe me?



I know, right...Awesome song. 4:49 on still makes me flip my shit. Cosmonaut, and Rolodex Propaganda (featuring Iggy Pop) are also massively awesome.

Another thing about this record...These lyrics are, like, the most bizaare lyrics ever. I really don't have any idea what most of these songs are about, but I'm sure they're about something.

III)

Lamb of God - As The Palaces Burn (2003)
Jug-Jug-Jug, super fast...Super fast. Insane super awesome guitars...mind melting guitars. Randy Blythe growling like a hungry Rottweiler...This record wants to kill you. It will try. If you survive, you are worthy. If you don't, well...you don't. That's the risk you take. I survived, and can honestly tell you that this is one of the best metal records to ever be unleashed onto the public, least of all to say the best metal record of the new century.



It's political, it's loud, and it doesn't give a fuck what you think. I know that may not sound like something you'd be interested in, but trust me as the last track, Vigil, ends, you will not regret it.
--

So, there you have it. 3 records that I refuse to ever stop listening to. Sure there are more, but those are the ones that I felt like talking about. If you expected some in-depth musical dissection, well...you came to the wrong place. I don't do in-depth. I do hyperbole. I do simple. So, there. Take that. Put that in your pipe and pipe bomb it. I'll just keep going. You want me to? Cuz I will.

The yaps that would not shut. AKA Shut your yap.

Hey all, you know what I hate? People who have conversations at the movie theater. I hate those people so much. Making the occasional quiet comment to a friend, or the occasional talking to the screen, I can handle that. Especially if it's funny. Like, when I saw Rambo and these dudes sitting behind me kept yelling at the screen...Now, that was pretty awesome, and I wish I could get them to record a commentary track for the blu-ray.

What I can't stand, however, is people who just ramble on at full volume. At least attempt to whisper, you dipshit. This rant stems from my experience at Friday the 13th yesterday. Now, this is a movie that cries for audience participation. Screaming, laughing...shit like that. But these two fuck-nuggets sitting behind me wouldn't shut up. Just having a nice little chat while I'm trying to focus on the suspense of seeing which young WB star is going to get murdalized next. I can't enjoy this movie with you chattering away about the most inconsequential bullshit in the history of inconsequential bullshit. Seriously...The movie barely lasts an hour and a half. Surely you and your dingleberry friend can go that long without talking about Grey's Anatomy, or whatever the fuck it was you were talking about.

I think there's a simple solution to this...I'm allowed to take a cattle prod into the movie theater with me. If anyone annoys me, I get to shock the piss out of them. Granted, I would probably abuse this newfound cattle prod power, but that's a risk I'm willing to take. People would probably be a lot less likely to talk about the great meal they had at Red Lobster the night before during a movie if the threat of a cattle prodding is looming.

One of these idiots' cell-phone also went off during the movie. This would be forgivable had the idiot in question not commented on the "Please turn off your cell-phone" jingle. So...you were reminded to turn it off...and...you clearly knew this...and...you still didn't turn it off? So...those sitting around you had to hear that shitty Metro Station song (a song so bad...don't get me started)? I'm...I'm getting pissed just thinking about it. My blood is literally boiling. There's steam shooting out of my ears. I'm turning into a hulk over this...Do you not know how to behave in public? Have you never been in a movie theater? Do you expect people to not be pissed at you? Or, do you realize this and just not care?...You dick...Maybe I shouldn't be given a cattle prod.

Overall, though, I'd recommend seeing Friday the 13th. It doesn't suck too bad. Jason is kind of a badass, like he should be. Man, I am all over the place.

On an awesome note, though. How about that "Inglorious Basterds" trailer? Pretty f'n awesome.

Keith

Why Horror matters.

Hey all,

I'm a pretty squeamish person. I don't like seeing gross stuff, really. I'm fairly easily scared, and jump out of my skin almost every time my phone vibrates. If something unexpectedly touches me I often say "Ow", just in case it might hurt me. Not to say that I'm a wimp, but I kind of am. Most people are.

"What the fuck is the point to this, Weekly Keith?", you may be asking yourself. Well, the point is that despite these things, I love horror movies. I always have. I mean, I fucking love horror movies. Everything about them. I generally like even the worst of them, most of the time because they are so bad. Why is it that someone who's so jumpy and is so easily disgusted by things loves movies who's only purpose is to make you jump and disgust you?

Most respectable film critics would say that there's something wrong with me for liking these movies, like I'm a sicko, or something. Those people, however, are jerks. As evidenced here:

http://www.boston.com/ae/movies/articles/2009/02/08/the_genre_that_wouldnt_die/

Resident boston.com douchebag Ty Burr goes on an incredibly reductive rant against slasher movies and their fans. He even at one point questions our literacy. (I am a fucking awesome reader, Ty. I can read circles around your ass.) He also at one point mentions how his friends who like slasher films can only come up with "I just like it" as the only defense for their fandom. Well, first of all, Ty Burr must have really stupid friends...and B.) I highly doubt that any horror fan would be rendered stupid enough by Ty to reduce their enjoyment of slashers so greatly. What I'm really trying to say is that Ty Burr is full of shit.

But he's not alone. Roger Ebert, one of my favorite critics (cliche? who gives a rat's ass?), has famously crusaded against slashers:



...Why do they hate these movies so much? I don't like seeing gross things, I am easily scared, I don't want anyone to die. Am I really messed up for liking them? No. Fuck that...I'm never wrong.

It's precisely because I'm jumpy, squeamish, and afraid of death that I seek these movies out. They shine a light on all the fears that I have. I can confront my fears in a safe way. These movies show me my worst fears and, in a way, make me less afraid. I would even go so far as to say that the worse the film is, the better a job it does of making me not afraid in real life.

Take, for example, the Final Destination series. Here, the slasher isn't wearing a hockey mask, but is instead incredibly complicated accidents taking the lives of our teenagers. Now, accidents...that's a legitimate fear:



But it is a bit ridiculous to think that you could slip in your bathroom, and end up strangled in your shower by a detachable shower head. Despite the fact that there are a number of tragic accidental deaths, it's still highly unlikely that something like that will happen. It happens to a lot of people, but it doesn't happen to a whole hell of a lot more.

It's the same principle with all other horror movies. People like to confront the things that live in the deep dark recesses of their mind, and come out safe and sound on the other end. These movies scare you, make you jump, make you puke, but in the end they show you just how ridiculous some of your fears are. I'm never going to be murdered by a large dude in a hockey mask...I may have just jinxed myself.

Another reason, is that people like to be scared. There is a thrill to seeing something that you are terrified of, and no one getting hurt. There's a reason why most people react with laughter after being startled. "OH SHIT...you scared me...but I'm OK. HAHAHAHAHA." That's a regular thing for me...and you know what? I have a fuck-ton of fun. I think it's hilarious when something startles me.

I'm not discounting the fact that there are some sick people out there, who get off on seeing gore and mayhem. But, really they're easily spotted. They're usually tall red-headed dudes with massive beards...if you see anyone that looks like this, run away...call the police. It's best to err on the side of caution in these cases.

Anyway, I'm sure I could have made a better argument...but, whatever. Nobody reads this stupid blog anyway...so really, I can say whatever stupid shit crosses my mind. Man, I fucking love curse words.

Keith

Michael Phelps is a mutant...

Michael Phelps is a mutant. You can't deny it. He's like the creature from the black lagoon, only without the scales.

This isn't meant to be an insult. Mutants are awesome. The X-Men are mutants. Fucking WOLVERINE is a mutant. So, in a way, Michael Phelps is like Wolverine, or Cyclops. His X-men name will be...Pooly. Yeah, that's all I could come up with. Give me a break, already. I'm under a lot of stress. Maybe I should smoke some pot...

Ah, the point emerges. Seriously, this dude is a kid who swims really fast. Why does this mean he can't smoke pot, other than the illegality, like other kids? I mean seriously, people are treating him like he's a heroin addict. "Oh, Phelps needs to apologize...". What the fuck does he need to apologize for? Getting stoned is a natural, and beautiful thing. Maybe his mutant body actually needs THC to produce some enzyme or something. What happens if Pooly stops smoking pot because of this and he can't swim fast anymore? What then? Somebody tell me.

I'd like to kick the shit out of all these ESPN dipshits (as an aside, dipshit is an awesome curse) for giving Pooly so much grief. Like they never got stoned. Those pricks...

...and Kellog's...Shame on you, Kellog's. As if you haven't made a boon selling Frosted Flakes to people who like to get high. As if. Hopefully General Mills will see the potential in sponsoring Pooly. Our little THC fueled swimming machine would be a great endorser of Lucky Charms.

You know what, Pooly? Don't you apologize for shit. You don't need to go to rehab, or any of that shit. Get stoned, brother, and swim...Swim like the fucking wind.

Keith

2008: a Weekly Keith year in review.

Hey all,

2008, a long year. Full of lots of adventures, parties, and all around skulduggery (awesome word, I don't know what it means, but I think it fits). There was a new president elected. But more importantly, there were some cool movies, so first order of business....

TOP TEN MOVIES OF 2008

1. The Dark Knight (Christopher Nolan)

2. The Wrestler (Darren Aronofsky)

3. WALL-E (Andrew Stanton)

4. In Bruges (Martin McDonagh)

5. Iron Man (Jon Favreau)

6. Standard Operating Procedure (Errol Morris)

7. Burn After Reading (Joel and Ethan Coen)

8. Pineapple Express (David Gordon Green)

9. Synecdoche, New York (Charlie Kaufman)

10. Hellboy II: The Golden Army (Guillermo Del Toro)

Honorable Mentions: Forgetting Sarah Marshall, Tropic Thunder, The Ruins, Role Models, Frost/Nixon

Of course, this is the most important top ten list you will read, because I know all, and my opinion is gold.

Other Keith awards...

Best music record: Austrian Death Machine - Total Brutal...You have to listen to this record. Even if you don't like metal, you will like this. All the songs are about Arnold Schwarzenegger. It's awesome.

Best non-music record: Didn't listen to any.

Best book: Didn't read any new ones. I did re-read a couple Stephen King books...umm, so they were good.

Best place to eat: Eagles Deli. Awesome, humongous burgers...with bacon.

Best blog: The Weekly Keith.

Least favorite moment: Actually happened in '09, but I'm bitter...The Colts choke...again. It's funny that the only year I think they have no chance they win the super bowl. Every other year they let me down. They are like an awesome steak dinner that you chow down on, and then you find a used band-aid in the last bite...sorry, that even grossed me out.

OK, I'm done blabbing. Post your top ten lists, or other miscellany. I look forward to arguing with you.

Keith