Michael Phelps is a mutant...

Michael Phelps is a mutant. You can't deny it. He's like the creature from the black lagoon, only without the scales.

This isn't meant to be an insult. Mutants are awesome. The X-Men are mutants. Fucking WOLVERINE is a mutant. So, in a way, Michael Phelps is like Wolverine, or Cyclops. His X-men name will be...Pooly. Yeah, that's all I could come up with. Give me a break, already. I'm under a lot of stress. Maybe I should smoke some pot...

Ah, the point emerges. Seriously, this dude is a kid who swims really fast. Why does this mean he can't smoke pot, other than the illegality, like other kids? I mean seriously, people are treating him like he's a heroin addict. "Oh, Phelps needs to apologize...". What the fuck does he need to apologize for? Getting stoned is a natural, and beautiful thing. Maybe his mutant body actually needs THC to produce some enzyme or something. What happens if Pooly stops smoking pot because of this and he can't swim fast anymore? What then? Somebody tell me.

I'd like to kick the shit out of all these ESPN dipshits (as an aside, dipshit is an awesome curse) for giving Pooly so much grief. Like they never got stoned. Those pricks...

...and Kellog's...Shame on you, Kellog's. As if you haven't made a boon selling Frosted Flakes to people who like to get high. As if. Hopefully General Mills will see the potential in sponsoring Pooly. Our little THC fueled swimming machine would be a great endorser of Lucky Charms.

You know what, Pooly? Don't you apologize for shit. You don't need to go to rehab, or any of that shit. Get stoned, brother, and swim...Swim like the fucking wind.

Keith