Hi, my name's Keith. I have severe depression and anxiety. I'm an alcoholic. I tried to kill myself a few weeks ago.
There. Just like ripping off a band-aid. Hell of a return to the Weekly, huh? Hell of a way to tell your friends something like this...
Well, this is what I got, and this is what I'm going with.
I'm just kind of spit-balling here... my hands are a little shakey, so forgive me if I ramble, or get a little tough to read. I'm not really sure where to start, other than how I feel... I feel like shit. I've felt like shit for a long time. I worry about everything. There are constantly a pack of butterflies in my stomach, and I'm grinding my teeth down as we speak. When I'm not worrying I'm depressed. I cry for no reason. I think about off-switches... you can guess what that means. I can joke, and be funny, and have fun, but it's fleeting. To help with this, I get drunk. Not just a little drunk... a lot drunk. It makes me happy, until it stops making me happy. Then I wake up depressed, and guilty and we start the whole thing over again.
Now everybody knows what that's like. It may sound like I'm simplifying, but when you boil it down, it's a pretty simple thing. I could try to make it a little more complicated and deep, but then I'd just focus on trivial details, and I'd get bogged down.
Now we can move on to the positives. I'm in recovery. I'm on meds. I haven't had a drink since Sept. 23rd. Just recently I got some news that put me back down a little, but I'm doing what I can to get back up. Maybe that's why I'm writing this. Who's to say?
I'm not thrilled about total strangers being able to read this, but that's life. I can't complain about feeling isolated when I've got a whole series of tubes out there to reach through. So, here you go. I love you all. Even the people I don't. I'm gonna get better, and I'm gonna stick around.
Hugs and kisses,
Keith
Tuesday, October 13, 2015
Saturday, September 8, 2012
BATTLESHIP, or why I gouged my brain out.
I just watched Peter Berg's Battleship. You know, the movie based on the Battleship board game that everybody was clamoring for... I'm just gonna be real up front about this: FUCK THIS MOVIE!!! No, seriously, FUCK THIS MOVIE!!!
OK, now that's out of the way, let me say I'm not one of those people who hates big summer movies. In fact, I'm the opposite. I love the big summer movies, where shit blows up and then more shit blows up. Transformers? Fuckin' loved 'em. The Expendables? Sign me up. That should tell you what you need to know. So, what was it that pissed me off so much about this movie? Well, I'll get right to it.
1. Every single human being in this film is annoying. The only reason I didn't like the Aliens more is that they're big fucking pussies. This movie made me want the Aliens to kill every single person that I saw, and the reason I hate the Aliens is because they don't do that. But, let's narrow it down to the main character. Stone Hopper... that's right, he's named Stone Hopper. Nobody, and I mean nobody, would give their kid such an absolutely retarded name. So, that's strike one. Strike two is that he's as stupid as his name. He's that annoying, moronic side-kick to the villain in a good movie that gets killed real early because he's so stupid. Not this movie, though. This movie makes him the main character, and we have to watch his stupidity for what feels like seven hours, but is actually more like two. Seriously, who thinks stealing a chicken burrito will win over a smoking hot chick? Oh, wait, in this movie that's something that would really happen, because the girl falls for him because of it, the dumb twat. Also, Stone Hopper has a stupid fucking face, and we have to look at it in way too many slow motion close-ups. Seriously, this fucking guy's go-to face is what a Gorilla must look like when he's trying to figure out how to boot up a Playstation.
2. None of it makes any sense. None of it. First of all, some dipshit scientists decide to fire up a satellite to get ahold of some Aliens, and right off the bat everyone's all 'this is a bad idea.' Seriously, why the fuck are you contacting the Aliens if you're so shit-in-your-pants scared they might come visit? Then, when they get here, you immediately start trying to blow the fuck out of them, and foil them at every turn. The Aliens want to communicate with their home planet, why not try to help them? Why not see if they're friendly? Why immediately treat them like the bad guys? I don't get why everyone is so afraid of these stupid Aliens, either. They suck. First of all, they fuck up their landing by crashing into a satellite, because they're such great pilots... then they get beaten by fucking BATTLESHIPS. That's right, battleships. Not cruise missiles, or earth diseases, or the combined powers of Captain Planet. No, a rickety ass battleship completely foils their plan... oh wait... it doesn't. We stopped them from communicating with their home planet, so that solves everything, right? Except for the fact that THEY KNEW WHERE THE FUCK WE WERE ALL ALONG!!! You don't think the head honchos back on planet piss won't send another group of ships along?
3. It's a slap in the face to the military. This movie makes a point of having actual soldiers playing different roles. That's cool and all, but I really can't believe that none of them called bullshit on all the rampant military bullshit that goes on in this movie. First of all, and relating to point number one, the main character is a complete fucktard who every single person in the movie makes a point call a fucktard at some point, to his face. When we first see him, he's getting tazed by the police for being a fucktard. Cut to: He's now an officer in the Navy. See, he wasn't an officer in the navy already when he's tazed... apparently that's the punishment for breaking the law in Hawaii. It sends the message that when you've fucked your life up completely, your only option is to become an officer in the Navy. If I were an officer in the Navy, I'd be like, 'Hey, fuck you, Pete Berg.'
On this same point, it really makes the military look incompetent. They come up against this awesome looking Alien ship, and their first reaction is to shoot at it. I really hope this isn't the military's actual protocol, because if it is, then I bet there are a lot of awkward moments when they meet somebody new.
4. The final, and most important, point. This movie is a waste. It's a waste of money. It's a waste of talent. It's a waste of resources. It's a waste of time. I got to see the sets that were built for this movie first hand, and it was incredible the effort and money that was spent. But, for what? From script to screen, everything about this movie is a waste. The production budget was something like $250 million. That's million with an M. That's ten $25 million movies. They could have found ten good scripts, and I guarantee you they'd have gotten a much better return on the investment. And that's the major problem with Hollywood today. The special effects, sets, and stunts in this movie are top notch, but you need more than that. Why did The Avengers, and The Dark Knight Rises make a billion dollars each? Because they had good scripts, and studio heads who know that it takes more than a massive budget to make a successful movie. They were movies that people wanted, and made the point to be more than hollow special effects. Nobody wanted this movie to begin with, and nobody wants it now that the money's spent, and the time's been wasted. Fuck this movie.
Anyway, that ends my rant.
OK, now that's out of the way, let me say I'm not one of those people who hates big summer movies. In fact, I'm the opposite. I love the big summer movies, where shit blows up and then more shit blows up. Transformers? Fuckin' loved 'em. The Expendables? Sign me up. That should tell you what you need to know. So, what was it that pissed me off so much about this movie? Well, I'll get right to it.
1. Every single human being in this film is annoying. The only reason I didn't like the Aliens more is that they're big fucking pussies. This movie made me want the Aliens to kill every single person that I saw, and the reason I hate the Aliens is because they don't do that. But, let's narrow it down to the main character. Stone Hopper... that's right, he's named Stone Hopper. Nobody, and I mean nobody, would give their kid such an absolutely retarded name. So, that's strike one. Strike two is that he's as stupid as his name. He's that annoying, moronic side-kick to the villain in a good movie that gets killed real early because he's so stupid. Not this movie, though. This movie makes him the main character, and we have to watch his stupidity for what feels like seven hours, but is actually more like two. Seriously, who thinks stealing a chicken burrito will win over a smoking hot chick? Oh, wait, in this movie that's something that would really happen, because the girl falls for him because of it, the dumb twat. Also, Stone Hopper has a stupid fucking face, and we have to look at it in way too many slow motion close-ups. Seriously, this fucking guy's go-to face is what a Gorilla must look like when he's trying to figure out how to boot up a Playstation.
2. None of it makes any sense. None of it. First of all, some dipshit scientists decide to fire up a satellite to get ahold of some Aliens, and right off the bat everyone's all 'this is a bad idea.' Seriously, why the fuck are you contacting the Aliens if you're so shit-in-your-pants scared they might come visit? Then, when they get here, you immediately start trying to blow the fuck out of them, and foil them at every turn. The Aliens want to communicate with their home planet, why not try to help them? Why not see if they're friendly? Why immediately treat them like the bad guys? I don't get why everyone is so afraid of these stupid Aliens, either. They suck. First of all, they fuck up their landing by crashing into a satellite, because they're such great pilots... then they get beaten by fucking BATTLESHIPS. That's right, battleships. Not cruise missiles, or earth diseases, or the combined powers of Captain Planet. No, a rickety ass battleship completely foils their plan... oh wait... it doesn't. We stopped them from communicating with their home planet, so that solves everything, right? Except for the fact that THEY KNEW WHERE THE FUCK WE WERE ALL ALONG!!! You don't think the head honchos back on planet piss won't send another group of ships along?
3. It's a slap in the face to the military. This movie makes a point of having actual soldiers playing different roles. That's cool and all, but I really can't believe that none of them called bullshit on all the rampant military bullshit that goes on in this movie. First of all, and relating to point number one, the main character is a complete fucktard who every single person in the movie makes a point call a fucktard at some point, to his face. When we first see him, he's getting tazed by the police for being a fucktard. Cut to: He's now an officer in the Navy. See, he wasn't an officer in the navy already when he's tazed... apparently that's the punishment for breaking the law in Hawaii. It sends the message that when you've fucked your life up completely, your only option is to become an officer in the Navy. If I were an officer in the Navy, I'd be like, 'Hey, fuck you, Pete Berg.'
On this same point, it really makes the military look incompetent. They come up against this awesome looking Alien ship, and their first reaction is to shoot at it. I really hope this isn't the military's actual protocol, because if it is, then I bet there are a lot of awkward moments when they meet somebody new.
4. The final, and most important, point. This movie is a waste. It's a waste of money. It's a waste of talent. It's a waste of resources. It's a waste of time. I got to see the sets that were built for this movie first hand, and it was incredible the effort and money that was spent. But, for what? From script to screen, everything about this movie is a waste. The production budget was something like $250 million. That's million with an M. That's ten $25 million movies. They could have found ten good scripts, and I guarantee you they'd have gotten a much better return on the investment. And that's the major problem with Hollywood today. The special effects, sets, and stunts in this movie are top notch, but you need more than that. Why did The Avengers, and The Dark Knight Rises make a billion dollars each? Because they had good scripts, and studio heads who know that it takes more than a massive budget to make a successful movie. They were movies that people wanted, and made the point to be more than hollow special effects. Nobody wanted this movie to begin with, and nobody wants it now that the money's spent, and the time's been wasted. Fuck this movie.
Anyway, that ends my rant.
Tuesday, June 12, 2012
THE TALE OF A BAD DRIVER AND THE INTERNET WHO LOVED HER
I was reading the comments on a Jezebel article this morning (yes, I read Jezebel, get over it) about how some lady tweeted a bunch of snarky comments about a guy hitting on her on an airplane, and how to react when someone is communicating to you in a way you don’t like. Now, I have no real opinion about the actual story, because I don’t give a shit about the people involved. What I found to be hilarious and infuriating was a back and forth a couple of people had.
This girl relayed a story about how she pissed some guy on a moped off, and he pulled up and started cussing and calling her names -
Let’s pause a minute to think of an angry man on a moped. In my imagination, he’s wearing a little leather cut, and a Hello Kitty helmet with a spike.
Moving on, anyway, this girl was a little butthurt, and naturally so. I mean, nobody wants to be told where to stick it by a guy on a moped. Where I start to scratch my head is the response to the lady’s story:
Maybe he had a really bad day, maybe he has mental health issues. I'm sorry you had to go through that, but a lot of times, people aren't douches, just their circumstances are.
I love the reasons this person gives for why moped-Ed was angry. Maybe he had a bad day or mental health issues. Maybe he has a quota for people to cuss at. Maybe he was possessed by the demon Ba’al like in that shitty Anthony Hopkins movie. Or...Maybe...just maybe, SHE WASN’T PAYING ATTENTION AND DID SOMETHING TO PISS HIM OFF!!! I love how it has to be all these outlandish scenarios, instead of the most obvious one: that this lady is probably a shit driver, and nearly ran him over or something like that. Of course, I’m not saying that all women are shit drivers, but the one’s who get yelled about by outlaw moped riders probably are.
Now, on to the second part, “I’m sorry you had to go through that...” Seriously? Had to go through what? Getting yelled at? Having to look at someone with so little dignity that they’ll ride a moped? I don’t see what this lady went through. She got told to ‘fuck off’ in traffic. There are some places where that’s how they say ‘hi’ while driving. I’ve been told to ‘fuck off’ multiple times while driving, and have told as many people the same thing myself. This is America, and sometimes people are bad drivers and should fuck off.
That’s the real issue I have with this. There seems to be an epidemic of people being babies about being told something, and other’s who are quick to pet their heads and say, ‘I’m sorry you had to go through that.’ ‘Poor babies. No one should ever be cussed at or called names. That’s the worst thing that could happen to anyone.’ Bullshit. How’s about you tell the guy on the moped to go fuck himself, and go home and get in a tickle fight with your roommate. Or, how’s about you run his ass over. Or, better yet, think back to how you probably cut him off, or chocked your brakes, or any number of things shit drivers do, and promise to not do it again.
‘No one should have to go through that...’ Give me a break. Getting bitched at isn’t ‘going through an ordeal.’ An ordeal would be if there were ten guys on mopeds, and they kidnapped this girl and forced her to mule drugs across state lines. An ordeal would be her running some dude on a moped over because she can’t drive. No, this is just getting bitched at. It’s a part of life.
Anyway, that’s all. Sorry you had to go through it.
This girl relayed a story about how she pissed some guy on a moped off, and he pulled up and started cussing and calling her names -
Let’s pause a minute to think of an angry man on a moped. In my imagination, he’s wearing a little leather cut, and a Hello Kitty helmet with a spike.
Moving on, anyway, this girl was a little butthurt, and naturally so. I mean, nobody wants to be told where to stick it by a guy on a moped. Where I start to scratch my head is the response to the lady’s story:
Maybe he had a really bad day, maybe he has mental health issues. I'm sorry you had to go through that, but a lot of times, people aren't douches, just their circumstances are.
I love the reasons this person gives for why moped-Ed was angry. Maybe he had a bad day or mental health issues. Maybe he has a quota for people to cuss at. Maybe he was possessed by the demon Ba’al like in that shitty Anthony Hopkins movie. Or...Maybe...just maybe, SHE WASN’T PAYING ATTENTION AND DID SOMETHING TO PISS HIM OFF!!! I love how it has to be all these outlandish scenarios, instead of the most obvious one: that this lady is probably a shit driver, and nearly ran him over or something like that. Of course, I’m not saying that all women are shit drivers, but the one’s who get yelled about by outlaw moped riders probably are.
Now, on to the second part, “I’m sorry you had to go through that...” Seriously? Had to go through what? Getting yelled at? Having to look at someone with so little dignity that they’ll ride a moped? I don’t see what this lady went through. She got told to ‘fuck off’ in traffic. There are some places where that’s how they say ‘hi’ while driving. I’ve been told to ‘fuck off’ multiple times while driving, and have told as many people the same thing myself. This is America, and sometimes people are bad drivers and should fuck off.
That’s the real issue I have with this. There seems to be an epidemic of people being babies about being told something, and other’s who are quick to pet their heads and say, ‘I’m sorry you had to go through that.’ ‘Poor babies. No one should ever be cussed at or called names. That’s the worst thing that could happen to anyone.’ Bullshit. How’s about you tell the guy on the moped to go fuck himself, and go home and get in a tickle fight with your roommate. Or, how’s about you run his ass over. Or, better yet, think back to how you probably cut him off, or chocked your brakes, or any number of things shit drivers do, and promise to not do it again.
‘No one should have to go through that...’ Give me a break. Getting bitched at isn’t ‘going through an ordeal.’ An ordeal would be if there were ten guys on mopeds, and they kidnapped this girl and forced her to mule drugs across state lines. An ordeal would be her running some dude on a moped over because she can’t drive. No, this is just getting bitched at. It’s a part of life.
Anyway, that’s all. Sorry you had to go through it.
Thursday, July 2, 2009
2009, A year of the metal
Hey all, long time no see.
OK, so as most of you know, I love metal. I don't hate on other types of music, I just love metal. It's my jams. I do my best to convince my peeps that they should love metal as well, but still, only, like, a couple of my friends are fellow metal heads. I mean, I love my friends dearly, but seriously guys...be a little cooler. At least pretend every now and again.
Anyways, I've been super-stoked that this year has had a ton of super-badass metal releases, so here, I'll try to convince you to love metal...
first off
Lamb of God-Wrath
The most recent release from what is probably my favorite band is absolutely skull-fuckingly awesome. It's got everything a metal-head could ask for. I honestly expected flames to shoot out of the speakers when the opening riff of "In Your Words" started to blast. This is thrash metal at its best. Here, see for yourself...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_xy0vIubcdA
Sorry for no embedding, but it might kill my blog for that much awesomeness to be just right there, staring at you. But, seriously, isn't that fucking badass. It is, isn't it. It's like in Bloodsport, when Van Damme is facing a pile of bricks, and he hits the top one, but has so much control that it only smashes the bottom one...It's like that. The fucking THRASH!!!!
Exhibit b
Cannibal Corpse - Evisceration Plague
The godfathers of Gory Death Metal bludgeon you with their newest release. These songs are fucking great...all about zombies and shit. It's just brutal. I might be willing to forgive you for not liking this, if songs about crazy monsters and zombies eating people aren't your thing. But give this a look...
see, Zombies and shit...and isn't Corpsegrinder like the scariest person in the world...who does nothing but play world of warcraft when he's not singing about murdering suckas. I mean, this is so badass, it's like that part in Bloodsport, when that big dude breaks Van Damme's friends back, and then just looks at him, and Van Damme is really worried about his friend, but still has a look in his eyes like he's gonna smash that dude..just like that.
Example 3
Mastodon - Crack The Skye
Now, this is a lot less brutal, but no less awesome. This is what passes for a metal concept album. It's all about a boy, and inter-dimensional travel, and, like, Rasputin takes over the kids body...and, like, the theories of Stephen Hawking...Fuck it, I have no idea what these songs are really about, but they are still dome-blowingly good.
Mastodon: Divinations - New Video
Yeah, that's right, a caveman playing a guitar solo...and a fucking yeti. Do you need any more convincing? This is like that part in Bloodsport, when the Asian tough guy challenges Van Damme to snatch the coin out of his hand, and he thinks Van Damme hasn't done it, but when he opens his hands he sees that Van Damme actually snatched the coin, and replaced it with another.
Next,
Goatwhore - Carving Out The Eyes of God
Now, I know what you're saying...Goatwhore, what kind of a name is that? It sounds to awesome to be true...Well, it's almost too awesome to be true, but it's true. Now, I might also understand if you don't care for songs about armies from hell marauding across the countryside, but you should, because its, you guessed it, awesome.
No videos yet, the record just came out last week, but that song is killer. It's like that part in bloodsport, when Van Damme's opponent pretends to be knocked out, and tries to sneak Van Damme, but Van Damme just elbows the dude, and knocks his gold tooth out. Just like that.
lastly,
Darkest Hour - The Eternal Return
These songs are exhausting they're so great. It's a fast record that doesn't take long to listen to, but it feels like running a marathon. While the other records are packed with evil, or rage, or murder...this record is packed with sheer...emotion and sadness, and legitimate anger at the state of things. Darkest Hour is an amazing band.
Again, no video, the record also just came out last tuesday. Not really like anything in Bloodsport. Just really, really great.
anyway, I know it's a pretty long post. I don't blame you if you found some of them abrasive. I hope you gave some of the songs a chance. I at least hope you found this post somewhat interesting. Even if you don't like this, at least be happy for me that this metal year has been very fruitful. You can at least do that, Can't you?
until next time
Keith
OK, so as most of you know, I love metal. I don't hate on other types of music, I just love metal. It's my jams. I do my best to convince my peeps that they should love metal as well, but still, only, like, a couple of my friends are fellow metal heads. I mean, I love my friends dearly, but seriously guys...be a little cooler. At least pretend every now and again.
Anyways, I've been super-stoked that this year has had a ton of super-badass metal releases, so here, I'll try to convince you to love metal...
first off
Lamb of God-Wrath
The most recent release from what is probably my favorite band is absolutely skull-fuckingly awesome. It's got everything a metal-head could ask for. I honestly expected flames to shoot out of the speakers when the opening riff of "In Your Words" started to blast. This is thrash metal at its best. Here, see for yourself...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_xy0vIubcdA
Sorry for no embedding, but it might kill my blog for that much awesomeness to be just right there, staring at you. But, seriously, isn't that fucking badass. It is, isn't it. It's like in Bloodsport, when Van Damme is facing a pile of bricks, and he hits the top one, but has so much control that it only smashes the bottom one...It's like that. The fucking THRASH!!!!
Exhibit b
Cannibal Corpse - Evisceration Plague
The godfathers of Gory Death Metal bludgeon you with their newest release. These songs are fucking great...all about zombies and shit. It's just brutal. I might be willing to forgive you for not liking this, if songs about crazy monsters and zombies eating people aren't your thing. But give this a look...
see, Zombies and shit...and isn't Corpsegrinder like the scariest person in the world...who does nothing but play world of warcraft when he's not singing about murdering suckas. I mean, this is so badass, it's like that part in Bloodsport, when that big dude breaks Van Damme's friends back, and then just looks at him, and Van Damme is really worried about his friend, but still has a look in his eyes like he's gonna smash that dude..just like that.
Example 3
Mastodon - Crack The Skye
Now, this is a lot less brutal, but no less awesome. This is what passes for a metal concept album. It's all about a boy, and inter-dimensional travel, and, like, Rasputin takes over the kids body...and, like, the theories of Stephen Hawking...Fuck it, I have no idea what these songs are really about, but they are still dome-blowingly good.
Mastodon: Divinations - New Video
Yeah, that's right, a caveman playing a guitar solo...and a fucking yeti. Do you need any more convincing? This is like that part in Bloodsport, when the Asian tough guy challenges Van Damme to snatch the coin out of his hand, and he thinks Van Damme hasn't done it, but when he opens his hands he sees that Van Damme actually snatched the coin, and replaced it with another.
Next,
Goatwhore - Carving Out The Eyes of God
Now, I know what you're saying...Goatwhore, what kind of a name is that? It sounds to awesome to be true...Well, it's almost too awesome to be true, but it's true. Now, I might also understand if you don't care for songs about armies from hell marauding across the countryside, but you should, because its, you guessed it, awesome.
No videos yet, the record just came out last week, but that song is killer. It's like that part in bloodsport, when Van Damme's opponent pretends to be knocked out, and tries to sneak Van Damme, but Van Damme just elbows the dude, and knocks his gold tooth out. Just like that.
lastly,
Darkest Hour - The Eternal Return
These songs are exhausting they're so great. It's a fast record that doesn't take long to listen to, but it feels like running a marathon. While the other records are packed with evil, or rage, or murder...this record is packed with sheer...emotion and sadness, and legitimate anger at the state of things. Darkest Hour is an amazing band.
Again, no video, the record also just came out last tuesday. Not really like anything in Bloodsport. Just really, really great.
anyway, I know it's a pretty long post. I don't blame you if you found some of them abrasive. I hope you gave some of the songs a chance. I at least hope you found this post somewhat interesting. Even if you don't like this, at least be happy for me that this metal year has been very fruitful. You can at least do that, Can't you?
until next time
Keith
Thursday, May 28, 2009
Video Game Rage
Hey all, I know it's been awhile. For that, I'm sorry. Hopefully this post will make up for the lack of weekliness.
The subject of this weekly Keith is something that I'm sure a large portion of you know...Video Game Rage. It's a pretty serious problem that affects about 77% of the video gaming population. What is VGR? Well, it involves a lot of cursing, some throwing of stuff, faces turning red, more cursing. VGR is the bane of video game controllers everywhere, and usually involve their destruction. I've even heard of extreme cases where players are so filled with rage that they will bite the poor controller. This is on the extreme side of VGR, and I hope I never witness such rage.
VGR is serious fucking business. It's cause? Losing at video games.
Here is an extreme example of VGR...
It's never a matter of gamer skill that causes outbursts, it's that the game is cheating. The antagonist of all gamers is "the computer". This explains things like, "The fucking computer cheated me." or, "This game is cheap...fucking computer." or, "Fuck, sonofacock, piece of shit, monkey fart, bastard computer."
I, myself, have suffered from video game rage, especially in my younger years. One story, in particular, I like to tell involves the original incarnation of the Madden football franchise. I was winning 72 - 0. You might be wondering, 'how could a successful game of Madden result in VGR?', well, VGR isn't a logical malady. Anyway, the computer scored a touchdown on a kick return. My 10 year old body couldn't handle this turn of events...so, I grabbed the Super-Nintendo controller by the cord and swung it around my head like a grappling hook, and smashed it into the wall. Yes, this was a stupid thing to do, and I knew it right away, but the result wasn't all that terrible. The only damage to the controller was that you couldn't go left. This made me unbeatable in two player games, because I would give the other player that controller and stack my defense to one side of the field...GENIUS.
Nowadays I have calmed down quite a bit in my gaming, and if I feel those familiar rage bubbles building I just quit playing. Of course, a few curse words usually slip out, but that's okay. This can sometimes result in awesome quotes...my favorite is..."Fuck this fucking skank game...I quit."
So, next time you hear someone playing a game yelling about how they are getting cheated, or questioning the sexuality of a video game, just keep in mind that they can't help it. VGR is not a choice, it's a disease...
...a really funny disease.
Keith
The subject of this weekly Keith is something that I'm sure a large portion of you know...Video Game Rage. It's a pretty serious problem that affects about 77% of the video gaming population. What is VGR? Well, it involves a lot of cursing, some throwing of stuff, faces turning red, more cursing. VGR is the bane of video game controllers everywhere, and usually involve their destruction. I've even heard of extreme cases where players are so filled with rage that they will bite the poor controller. This is on the extreme side of VGR, and I hope I never witness such rage.
VGR is serious fucking business. It's cause? Losing at video games.
Here is an extreme example of VGR...
It's never a matter of gamer skill that causes outbursts, it's that the game is cheating. The antagonist of all gamers is "the computer". This explains things like, "The fucking computer cheated me." or, "This game is cheap...fucking computer." or, "Fuck, sonofacock, piece of shit, monkey fart, bastard computer."
I, myself, have suffered from video game rage, especially in my younger years. One story, in particular, I like to tell involves the original incarnation of the Madden football franchise. I was winning 72 - 0. You might be wondering, 'how could a successful game of Madden result in VGR?', well, VGR isn't a logical malady. Anyway, the computer scored a touchdown on a kick return. My 10 year old body couldn't handle this turn of events...so, I grabbed the Super-Nintendo controller by the cord and swung it around my head like a grappling hook, and smashed it into the wall. Yes, this was a stupid thing to do, and I knew it right away, but the result wasn't all that terrible. The only damage to the controller was that you couldn't go left. This made me unbeatable in two player games, because I would give the other player that controller and stack my defense to one side of the field...GENIUS.
Nowadays I have calmed down quite a bit in my gaming, and if I feel those familiar rage bubbles building I just quit playing. Of course, a few curse words usually slip out, but that's okay. This can sometimes result in awesome quotes...my favorite is..."Fuck this fucking skank game...I quit."
So, next time you hear someone playing a game yelling about how they are getting cheated, or questioning the sexuality of a video game, just keep in mind that they can't help it. VGR is not a choice, it's a disease...
...a really funny disease.
Keith
Thursday, April 23, 2009
Ten things I learned from Predator...
1. Nobody, and I mean nobody, looks as badass smoking a cigar as Arnold.
2. Jesse "the body" Ventura is the greatest actor ever to live...and I quote "Y'all are a bunch of slack-jawed faggots...this shit will make you a goddamned sexual Tyrannasaurus." He's referring to chewing tobacco. He also, apparently, doesn't have time to bleed.
3. The nerdy glasses dude will always be the first person to get mangled in a mercenarial mission. It's science.
4. South America is scary.
5. When Carl Weathers and Arnold are in a room together, the only way to get rid of the excess manliness is an impromptu air arm-wrestling match. Don't know what that is? Watch the fucking movie.
6. Bill Duke likes Little Richard...and shaves without shaving cream. He's a man.
7. Apparently, native Americans are great trackers and, when faced with a Predator, prefer to take it on shirtless, armed only with a hunting knife.
8. In the jungle, you can cut a vine in half, and drink water from it.
9. If something bleeds, you can kill it.
10. GET TO THE CHOPPAH!!!!!
2. Jesse "the body" Ventura is the greatest actor ever to live...and I quote "Y'all are a bunch of slack-jawed faggots...this shit will make you a goddamned sexual Tyrannasaurus." He's referring to chewing tobacco. He also, apparently, doesn't have time to bleed.
3. The nerdy glasses dude will always be the first person to get mangled in a mercenarial mission. It's science.
4. South America is scary.
5. When Carl Weathers and Arnold are in a room together, the only way to get rid of the excess manliness is an impromptu air arm-wrestling match. Don't know what that is? Watch the fucking movie.
6. Bill Duke likes Little Richard...and shaves without shaving cream. He's a man.
7. Apparently, native Americans are great trackers and, when faced with a Predator, prefer to take it on shirtless, armed only with a hunting knife.
8. In the jungle, you can cut a vine in half, and drink water from it.
9. If something bleeds, you can kill it.
10. GET TO THE CHOPPAH!!!!!
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
The Cleaning of the Sleep Machine
Hey all, What's up? "Hey, The Weekly Keith...What's that?" Well, dear reader, that is a dirty clothes bouquet, and I made it just for you. You may also know it as a hamper overflowing with dirty clothes. "That's nice, The Weekly Keith...But where did it come from?" I'll tell you, dear reader...
So I was watching the new Punisher movie today, and marveling at how awesome Jimmy McNulty is as Jigsaw, when I got the urge to go into my room and tidy up a bit...That's right...I decided it was time to unclutter "The Sleep Machine."
Now, most of the readers have been to my apartment and have seen my room, and know it's a disaster area. This is maily due to the fact that I don't have a dresser, but instead just pile my clothes on the floor. A Clean Pile, and a Dirty Pile. The problem as of late, though, is that the two piles have decided to merge into a single entity. It was threatening to take over the entire area. So, as I said, it was time to do this shit.
Before I continue, I must tell you...I'm not ashamed to admit that my room is a mess. It's an integral part of me...and I don't buy into that whole thing link between a cluttered room and a cluttered mind...That's just bullshit. It's my room, and I keep it the way I want to. All I do in there is sleep and get dressed. That's it. So, if you want to judge, judge something else.
OK, so back to the matter at hand. I decided to spruce up the place a bit. So I turned on the new Mastodon record (which is fucking awesome), and started on a journey of self-discovery.
I found a whole bunch of crap I forgot I even had. I found my Happy Days Mr. Cunningham action figure that Allen gave me. I found my VHS copy of The Hitman starring Chuck Norris (wish I'd found a VCR, too). I found a whole bunch of khaki pants, not that I wear them, on hangers. I even found a flannel shirt...I didn't even know I had a fucking flannel shirt. I mean, it was fun. Like Christmas, only instead of a tree and packages, you have dirty clothes.
Perhaps most important of all, I found my copy of the Russin and Downs screenwriting book. I'd been looking for that thing for a while, and BAM, under a pair of blue-jeans.
The funny thing about all these dirty clothes is that I had an empty hamper stuck behind my door. There was no need to even have a dirty clothes pile. Anyways, I began to fill the hamper, and fill, and fill, and fill, all the while finding little treasures. Eventually I finished sorting the clean from the dirty, and my hamper was overflowing. It was amazing. Had I waited another day...I don't even want to think about that. The planet may have collapsed in on itself, killing all life. I don't want to do that, I like some of you.
The next step is doing laundry. I hate doing laundry.
Now, I don't want to give the impression that my room is in any way clean. It's still filthy. It's just a little more organized...and swiffered. That's the best you're going to get.
I know this isn't that great of a post, but really I don't care. The next one might not be even better. You want quality? I cannot guarantee any. I can guarantee you this...Dirty clothes bouquets for everyone.
Heh, I just realized I'm airing my dirty laundry on the internet...Get it?
Keith
Thursday, February 26, 2009
The Greatest Movies of all time Part 2 (of a whole bunch)
Hey all, I've decided I can't wait, seeing as the last one was so much fun...although it didn't garner much of a response, jerk-faces...I didn't mean that. Come back. I'll be nice. I promise.
Anyway, this The Weekly Keith is going to be dedicated to two movies that are very close to my heart. Both star The Governator, Arnold Schwarzenegger AKA the most awesome dude ever...EVER. Who else can be in movies where he kills an average of 314 people (do the math) and still warm people's hearts? Someone tell me, cause I'm dying to know. They also feature the super-hot Linda Hamilton. Can you guess? C'mon, don't be shy...guess.
OK, you're stumped..."I'll be back." "Hasta La Vista, Baby." Ringing any bells.
It's THE TERMINATOR...yeah, fuckin' A!!!!
Ok, so I'll admit it. I saw T2 before I saw The Terminator, and I was underwhelmed. There was no liquid metal man. Linda Hamilton wasn't as awesome (more on that when I talk about T2).
I just didn't think it was as cool. But I was a kid. Let me off the fricking hook.
After many subsequent viewings, most recently on BluRay (as a side note, this movie on BluRay warrants upgrading), and I must say, not only does this movie rock, this movie FUCKING ROCKS!!!!!!! Count 'em. 7 exclamation points. What was I thinking as a kid? The chase scenes, the special effects...Michael f'ing Biehn. Arnold is so fricking scary. Come to think of it, that may be one of the reasons why I was lukewarm to this movie as a kid. I was introduced to the T-800 as a loveable pet cyborg. He didn't kill people...he was a good guy. Well, not in this movie. He is exactly what his name implies. He's a terminator. He terminates, that's all he does. The only thing he does is kill people. He doesn't eat, or sleep, or ponder. No...He just kills. When he's thinking, he's thinking "what can I do to do the maximum amount of damage in this situation?" Well, this famous scene demonstrates that perfectly
Linda Hamilton in this movie, she's fricking adorable. Seriously, she's got no chance against this killer cyborg. Granted, she'll become a super-badass, but at the beginning of this movie it seems like a lost cause. She's gonna teach the future savior of mankind how to defeat our machine overlords? Doubtful, you better get used to being a slave, man. But, along comes Michael Biehn, this dude should be in every movie ever made. He's not as cool as Kurt Russell, but he's got the same kind of awesome that Kurt does. He's gonna shape Sarah Connor into a badass, cold-blooded killer.
Then...the final sequence. A motorcycle, car chase: check. A semi-truck chasing a smaller truck ending in an explosion: check. Pipe Bombs: check. The Terminator losing all his fake skin, and chasing the people around as a metal skeleton thing: FUCKING CHECK AND MATE.
I really could sum up my feelings for this movie with "AAAAAHHHHHHH!!!! THE FUCKING TERMINATOR IS FUCKING AWESOME!!!!!!!!!"
Which brings me to....
TERMINATOR 2: JUDGMENT DAY
I'm going to try to remain calm, but it's taking everything I have to not write this entire review in all-caps. I'm also worried I might have a stroke or something if I get too excited. I love this movie. I've seen it over 25 times (no I'm not kidding). Just thinking about the openning credits...the music...Sarah Connor's voice-over...The Aerial HK's, and the tanks...and the tracking shot that ends with a close-up of John Connor. Oh, man. I kind of want to watch it right now.
I'm the person that isn't satisfied with the theatrical cut of this movie. I want as much of this movie as I can get. I want as much of this mythology as I can get, as much of the world. I want to see the Terminator try and smile. I want to see Sarah nearly smash his CPU. I want all of that. I wish this movie lasted 9 hours. Actually, I wish it never ended, and I could come home and watch some new part each day.
Now, the first thing I need to talk about in this movie...Linda fucking Hamilton. What a performance. How did she go from the chick in Beauty and the Beast to this badass. Seriously...She is terrifying. She actually turns herself into a terminator. The scene when she escapes...cracking that smug prick silbermann with the night stick. "You broke my arm." To which she replies "There's 215 bones in the human body...That's one". That's right, you jerk, she'll break every bone IN YOUR FUCKING BODY. Man, it's saying something about a movie that has Arnold Schwarzenegger, Robert Patrick, and a whole bunch of shit blowing up, and she's the most badass part of it. Fuck you, Academy, for not giving her an oscar.
Of course, I would be remiss if I didn't point out one major flaw of this movie...Edward Furlong. What a fucking dweeb. I mean, he does a good enough job, and I've seen this movie so many times that I can't picture anyone else in the role...but he's just kind of a bad actor. But hey, he's a kid. I'll give it a pass.
The action sequences in this movie...H-O-L-Y S-H-I-T. I still have not seen a movie with chase scenes, or shoot-outs as good as this. Yes, that includes The Dark Knight. What separates these from others? It all boils down to how inventive they are. We've all seen the shootouts in The Matrix...those are easy, just shoot until everyone is dead. But in this, The Terminator has been ordered not to kill. So, he finds different ways to not kill people. Leg shots ("He'll Live"), tear gas, simply blowing shit up so they run away...This is creative action film-making. And, just like in the first movie, the final chase sequence. First, I'll chase you with a helicopter while you drive a Swat vehicle, and when we're done with that, I'll chase you with a fricking Semi full of Liquid Nitrogen, while your in an apple orchard truck. Then we'll finish this little game up in a steel mill. Yeah, that's right.
I feel like I'm forgetting something...Oh, yeah. An even scarier terminator, made out of LIQUID FUCKING METAL. He's a stabbing robot, who runs really fast. Man, Robert Patrick just doesn't emote...at all. While generally that's a bad thing for a performance, here...How in the world does he never change his facial expression. I mean, stuff is blowing up all around him. Guns going off, and he never blinks. Awesome.
Seriously, I love these fan trailers. I feel this one gets across my point of how awesome this movie is.
...except for the thumbs up at the end. You all know what I'm talking about. I hate the thumbs up. His circuits would be fried at that point, and he would not be able to send the message to his thumb to go up. It's just ludicrous in a movie that is so realistic that this would happen...
I think the series ends with this one. Terminator 3 and the new one are like spin-offs. While they may be good, even awesome (I'm hoping that Salvation kicks ass, so you know), I don't think they count. I'm just saying, is all.
Anyway, until next time.
Keith
Anyway, this The Weekly Keith is going to be dedicated to two movies that are very close to my heart. Both star The Governator, Arnold Schwarzenegger AKA the most awesome dude ever...EVER. Who else can be in movies where he kills an average of 314 people (do the math) and still warm people's hearts? Someone tell me, cause I'm dying to know. They also feature the super-hot Linda Hamilton. Can you guess? C'mon, don't be shy...guess.
OK, you're stumped..."I'll be back." "Hasta La Vista, Baby." Ringing any bells.
It's THE TERMINATOR...yeah, fuckin' A!!!!
Ok, so I'll admit it. I saw T2 before I saw The Terminator, and I was underwhelmed. There was no liquid metal man. Linda Hamilton wasn't as awesome (more on that when I talk about T2).
I just didn't think it was as cool. But I was a kid. Let me off the fricking hook.
After many subsequent viewings, most recently on BluRay (as a side note, this movie on BluRay warrants upgrading), and I must say, not only does this movie rock, this movie FUCKING ROCKS!!!!!!! Count 'em. 7 exclamation points. What was I thinking as a kid? The chase scenes, the special effects...Michael f'ing Biehn. Arnold is so fricking scary. Come to think of it, that may be one of the reasons why I was lukewarm to this movie as a kid. I was introduced to the T-800 as a loveable pet cyborg. He didn't kill people...he was a good guy. Well, not in this movie. He is exactly what his name implies. He's a terminator. He terminates, that's all he does. The only thing he does is kill people. He doesn't eat, or sleep, or ponder. No...He just kills. When he's thinking, he's thinking "what can I do to do the maximum amount of damage in this situation?" Well, this famous scene demonstrates that perfectly
Linda Hamilton in this movie, she's fricking adorable. Seriously, she's got no chance against this killer cyborg. Granted, she'll become a super-badass, but at the beginning of this movie it seems like a lost cause. She's gonna teach the future savior of mankind how to defeat our machine overlords? Doubtful, you better get used to being a slave, man. But, along comes Michael Biehn, this dude should be in every movie ever made. He's not as cool as Kurt Russell, but he's got the same kind of awesome that Kurt does. He's gonna shape Sarah Connor into a badass, cold-blooded killer.
Then...the final sequence. A motorcycle, car chase: check. A semi-truck chasing a smaller truck ending in an explosion: check. Pipe Bombs: check. The Terminator losing all his fake skin, and chasing the people around as a metal skeleton thing: FUCKING CHECK AND MATE.
I really could sum up my feelings for this movie with "AAAAAHHHHHHH!!!! THE FUCKING TERMINATOR IS FUCKING AWESOME!!!!!!!!!"
Which brings me to....
TERMINATOR 2: JUDGMENT DAY
I'm going to try to remain calm, but it's taking everything I have to not write this entire review in all-caps. I'm also worried I might have a stroke or something if I get too excited. I love this movie. I've seen it over 25 times (no I'm not kidding). Just thinking about the openning credits...the music...Sarah Connor's voice-over...The Aerial HK's, and the tanks...and the tracking shot that ends with a close-up of John Connor. Oh, man. I kind of want to watch it right now.
I'm the person that isn't satisfied with the theatrical cut of this movie. I want as much of this movie as I can get. I want as much of this mythology as I can get, as much of the world. I want to see the Terminator try and smile. I want to see Sarah nearly smash his CPU. I want all of that. I wish this movie lasted 9 hours. Actually, I wish it never ended, and I could come home and watch some new part each day.
Now, the first thing I need to talk about in this movie...Linda fucking Hamilton. What a performance. How did she go from the chick in Beauty and the Beast to this badass. Seriously...She is terrifying. She actually turns herself into a terminator. The scene when she escapes...cracking that smug prick silbermann with the night stick. "You broke my arm." To which she replies "There's 215 bones in the human body...That's one". That's right, you jerk, she'll break every bone IN YOUR FUCKING BODY. Man, it's saying something about a movie that has Arnold Schwarzenegger, Robert Patrick, and a whole bunch of shit blowing up, and she's the most badass part of it. Fuck you, Academy, for not giving her an oscar.
Of course, I would be remiss if I didn't point out one major flaw of this movie...Edward Furlong. What a fucking dweeb. I mean, he does a good enough job, and I've seen this movie so many times that I can't picture anyone else in the role...but he's just kind of a bad actor. But hey, he's a kid. I'll give it a pass.
The action sequences in this movie...H-O-L-Y S-H-I-T. I still have not seen a movie with chase scenes, or shoot-outs as good as this. Yes, that includes The Dark Knight. What separates these from others? It all boils down to how inventive they are. We've all seen the shootouts in The Matrix...those are easy, just shoot until everyone is dead. But in this, The Terminator has been ordered not to kill. So, he finds different ways to not kill people. Leg shots ("He'll Live"), tear gas, simply blowing shit up so they run away...This is creative action film-making. And, just like in the first movie, the final chase sequence. First, I'll chase you with a helicopter while you drive a Swat vehicle, and when we're done with that, I'll chase you with a fricking Semi full of Liquid Nitrogen, while your in an apple orchard truck. Then we'll finish this little game up in a steel mill. Yeah, that's right.
I feel like I'm forgetting something...Oh, yeah. An even scarier terminator, made out of LIQUID FUCKING METAL. He's a stabbing robot, who runs really fast. Man, Robert Patrick just doesn't emote...at all. While generally that's a bad thing for a performance, here...How in the world does he never change his facial expression. I mean, stuff is blowing up all around him. Guns going off, and he never blinks. Awesome.
Seriously, I love these fan trailers. I feel this one gets across my point of how awesome this movie is.
...except for the thumbs up at the end. You all know what I'm talking about. I hate the thumbs up. His circuits would be fried at that point, and he would not be able to send the message to his thumb to go up. It's just ludicrous in a movie that is so realistic that this would happen...
I think the series ends with this one. Terminator 3 and the new one are like spin-offs. While they may be good, even awesome (I'm hoping that Salvation kicks ass, so you know), I don't think they count. I'm just saying, is all.
Anyway, until next time.
Keith
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
The Greatest Movies...OF ALL TIME!!! (Part 1 of ?)
Hey all, it's late and I want to tell you something. Something about my favorite movies...Now, this going to be a multi-part The Weekly Keith. I'm going to give you a handful each week. I'm not going to rank them, because...well...I don't want to. That and I don't want to wait to get to the really super awesome ones. So, here...we...go...
Re-Animator- "I gave him life."
Let's start this deal off with a bang, or should I say a Splat. What does this movie have that makes it so great? Well, there's exploding eyeballs. There's Jeffrey Combs. There's an awesome black cat that gets killed, brought back to life, and then splattered against the wall, and then brought back to life again. There's a shovel beheading. There's intestines that shoot out of a guy and attack another guy. There's lobotomies...and...Oh, man this is so good. Remember when I said there was a shovel decapitation, well...that guy...he is brought back to life, and he's carrying his head around...and there's this girl he likes that he kidnaps, and she's naked on a table...Well, it's awesome. Let's leave it at that.
Seriously, how could you not want to see this movie, RIGHT NOW?
The Shawshank Redemption - "Get Busy Livin' or Get Busy Dyin'"
Oh, man. I got a little misty just writing that line. I cry a lot anyway, but even I think my weeping at this movie is excessive. I'm not saying I ever want to go to prison, but if I could find a friend like Red, it wouldn't be so terrible...you know...except for all the prison rape, beatings, and shitty prison food.
But seriously, this movie is so, so good. Morgan Freeman is the coolest dude ever to walk the yard. Tim Robbins, I just feel so bad for him because he seems like such a nice guy.
My favorite moment is Red's last parole hearing, and Red is all, like, "fuck you, dude. I'll stay in here forever, I'm not putting up with anymore of your crap.", and the other dude is like "OK, Red. I respect your honesty, so I'm gonna parole your ass."
Every time I finish watching this movie, I just want to stand up...tears streaming down my face...wearing a huge smile...and cheer and clap and yell. (look at all those ands.)
The Sword of Doom - “I, Ryunosuke Tsukue, trust only my sword in this world. When I fight, I have no family.”
I want to go buy a samurai sword...and just walk around, grunting at people. When someone looks at me cross-eyed...Swipe. Yeah, that's what the beginning of this movie makes me want to do. The last 15 minutes or so...Completely different story. You see this is a movie about a completely evil dude. He can't help it. He's not greedy, or maniacal, he's just...EVIL. He's like a Slayer riff. Any situation he encounters he always makes the most evil choice possible. He's not happy, he's not sad, he just is.
Until the end, when all his ghosts start to haunt him. His reaction...whip out his sword and slash them. He starts to destroy a room, and then a bunch of dudes who want to assassinate him attack. Well, they didn't know what the fuck they were in for, because Ryunosuke is feeling a bit kill-ey. The bloodshed that follows isn't all pretty like your used to. It's brutal...Probably one of the most brutal scenes I've ever seen. This movie is FUCKING AWESOME!!!!
This is an awesome trailer redux this dude did.
Anyway, that's enough for tonight. I'm going to bed.
Keith
Re-Animator- "I gave him life."
Let's start this deal off with a bang, or should I say a Splat. What does this movie have that makes it so great? Well, there's exploding eyeballs. There's Jeffrey Combs. There's an awesome black cat that gets killed, brought back to life, and then splattered against the wall, and then brought back to life again. There's a shovel beheading. There's intestines that shoot out of a guy and attack another guy. There's lobotomies...and...Oh, man this is so good. Remember when I said there was a shovel decapitation, well...that guy...he is brought back to life, and he's carrying his head around...and there's this girl he likes that he kidnaps, and she's naked on a table...Well, it's awesome. Let's leave it at that.
Seriously, how could you not want to see this movie, RIGHT NOW?
The Shawshank Redemption - "Get Busy Livin' or Get Busy Dyin'"
Oh, man. I got a little misty just writing that line. I cry a lot anyway, but even I think my weeping at this movie is excessive. I'm not saying I ever want to go to prison, but if I could find a friend like Red, it wouldn't be so terrible...you know...except for all the prison rape, beatings, and shitty prison food.
But seriously, this movie is so, so good. Morgan Freeman is the coolest dude ever to walk the yard. Tim Robbins, I just feel so bad for him because he seems like such a nice guy.
My favorite moment is Red's last parole hearing, and Red is all, like, "fuck you, dude. I'll stay in here forever, I'm not putting up with anymore of your crap.", and the other dude is like "OK, Red. I respect your honesty, so I'm gonna parole your ass."
Every time I finish watching this movie, I just want to stand up...tears streaming down my face...wearing a huge smile...and cheer and clap and yell. (look at all those ands.)
The Sword of Doom - “I, Ryunosuke Tsukue, trust only my sword in this world. When I fight, I have no family.”
I want to go buy a samurai sword...and just walk around, grunting at people. When someone looks at me cross-eyed...Swipe. Yeah, that's what the beginning of this movie makes me want to do. The last 15 minutes or so...Completely different story. You see this is a movie about a completely evil dude. He can't help it. He's not greedy, or maniacal, he's just...EVIL. He's like a Slayer riff. Any situation he encounters he always makes the most evil choice possible. He's not happy, he's not sad, he just is.
Until the end, when all his ghosts start to haunt him. His reaction...whip out his sword and slash them. He starts to destroy a room, and then a bunch of dudes who want to assassinate him attack. Well, they didn't know what the fuck they were in for, because Ryunosuke is feeling a bit kill-ey. The bloodshed that follows isn't all pretty like your used to. It's brutal...Probably one of the most brutal scenes I've ever seen. This movie is FUCKING AWESOME!!!!
This is an awesome trailer redux this dude did.
Anyway, that's enough for tonight. I'm going to bed.
Keith
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
the JAMS...3 Records I refuse to live without.
What up, all? Oh, me?...I'm just chillin'. Cranking up some tunage. Enough of that.
The subject of this weekly Keith is...My favorite jams. The title probably told you that, but I felt the need to reiterate what I was preparing to blab about.
Record numbah 1
Slayer - South of Heaven (1988)
The high-point of the sheer wall of awesome that is Slayer. I think when they were making this record, they decided that they were going to make every song be as evil as possible. Really, you could say this about every Slayer record, but this one is really fucking evil. That opening riff...Man, every time I hear it, I fear for my soul.
Seriously, don't you feel like Satan was looking right at you when that riff started? So badass.
Mandatory Suicide is the shit as well, and the Judas Priest cover Dissident Aggressor is also really awesome. Fuck it, this entire record will stomp your face off. Really...Just LISTEN TO SLAYER!!!
B.)
At The Drive-In -- Relationship of Command (2000)
Not as evil as Slayer, not really evil at all...but it's pretty fast and energetic. I've listened to this record constantly for quite a while, and I'm blown away by how great it is. ATDI, as those in the know are known to abbreviate their name, are a pretty awesome hardcore band from Texas...were a pretty awesome hardcore band. Unfortunately, they broke up. Their remnants made two really superb bands you may have heard of...Sparta and The Mars Volta...How awesome is a band, that when they split, they create 2 really fucking awesome bands? They're like...some sort of Rock Amoeba, splitting into infinite bodies of the Rock. Seriously, don't believe me?
I know, right...Awesome song. 4:49 on still makes me flip my shit. Cosmonaut, and Rolodex Propaganda (featuring Iggy Pop) are also massively awesome.
Another thing about this record...These lyrics are, like, the most bizaare lyrics ever. I really don't have any idea what most of these songs are about, but I'm sure they're about something.
III)
Lamb of God - As The Palaces Burn (2003)
Jug-Jug-Jug, super fast...Super fast. Insane super awesome guitars...mind melting guitars. Randy Blythe growling like a hungry Rottweiler...This record wants to kill you. It will try. If you survive, you are worthy. If you don't, well...you don't. That's the risk you take. I survived, and can honestly tell you that this is one of the best metal records to ever be unleashed onto the public, least of all to say the best metal record of the new century.
It's political, it's loud, and it doesn't give a fuck what you think. I know that may not sound like something you'd be interested in, but trust me as the last track, Vigil, ends, you will not regret it.
--
So, there you have it. 3 records that I refuse to ever stop listening to. Sure there are more, but those are the ones that I felt like talking about. If you expected some in-depth musical dissection, well...you came to the wrong place. I don't do in-depth. I do hyperbole. I do simple. So, there. Take that. Put that in your pipe and pipe bomb it. I'll just keep going. You want me to? Cuz I will.
The subject of this weekly Keith is...My favorite jams. The title probably told you that, but I felt the need to reiterate what I was preparing to blab about.
Record numbah 1
Slayer - South of Heaven (1988)
The high-point of the sheer wall of awesome that is Slayer. I think when they were making this record, they decided that they were going to make every song be as evil as possible. Really, you could say this about every Slayer record, but this one is really fucking evil. That opening riff...Man, every time I hear it, I fear for my soul.
Seriously, don't you feel like Satan was looking right at you when that riff started? So badass.
Mandatory Suicide is the shit as well, and the Judas Priest cover Dissident Aggressor is also really awesome. Fuck it, this entire record will stomp your face off. Really...Just LISTEN TO SLAYER!!!
B.)
At The Drive-In -- Relationship of Command (2000)
Not as evil as Slayer, not really evil at all...but it's pretty fast and energetic. I've listened to this record constantly for quite a while, and I'm blown away by how great it is. ATDI, as those in the know are known to abbreviate their name, are a pretty awesome hardcore band from Texas...were a pretty awesome hardcore band. Unfortunately, they broke up. Their remnants made two really superb bands you may have heard of...Sparta and The Mars Volta...How awesome is a band, that when they split, they create 2 really fucking awesome bands? They're like...some sort of Rock Amoeba, splitting into infinite bodies of the Rock. Seriously, don't believe me?
I know, right...Awesome song. 4:49 on still makes me flip my shit. Cosmonaut, and Rolodex Propaganda (featuring Iggy Pop) are also massively awesome.
Another thing about this record...These lyrics are, like, the most bizaare lyrics ever. I really don't have any idea what most of these songs are about, but I'm sure they're about something.
III)
Lamb of God - As The Palaces Burn (2003)
Jug-Jug-Jug, super fast...Super fast. Insane super awesome guitars...mind melting guitars. Randy Blythe growling like a hungry Rottweiler...This record wants to kill you. It will try. If you survive, you are worthy. If you don't, well...you don't. That's the risk you take. I survived, and can honestly tell you that this is one of the best metal records to ever be unleashed onto the public, least of all to say the best metal record of the new century.
It's political, it's loud, and it doesn't give a fuck what you think. I know that may not sound like something you'd be interested in, but trust me as the last track, Vigil, ends, you will not regret it.
--
So, there you have it. 3 records that I refuse to ever stop listening to. Sure there are more, but those are the ones that I felt like talking about. If you expected some in-depth musical dissection, well...you came to the wrong place. I don't do in-depth. I do hyperbole. I do simple. So, there. Take that. Put that in your pipe and pipe bomb it. I'll just keep going. You want me to? Cuz I will.
Saturday, February 14, 2009
The yaps that would not shut. AKA Shut your yap.
Hey all, you know what I hate? People who have conversations at the movie theater. I hate those people so much. Making the occasional quiet comment to a friend, or the occasional talking to the screen, I can handle that. Especially if it's funny. Like, when I saw Rambo and these dudes sitting behind me kept yelling at the screen...Now, that was pretty awesome, and I wish I could get them to record a commentary track for the blu-ray.
What I can't stand, however, is people who just ramble on at full volume. At least attempt to whisper, you dipshit. This rant stems from my experience at Friday the 13th yesterday. Now, this is a movie that cries for audience participation. Screaming, laughing...shit like that. But these two fuck-nuggets sitting behind me wouldn't shut up. Just having a nice little chat while I'm trying to focus on the suspense of seeing which young WB star is going to get murdalized next. I can't enjoy this movie with you chattering away about the most inconsequential bullshit in the history of inconsequential bullshit. Seriously...The movie barely lasts an hour and a half. Surely you and your dingleberry friend can go that long without talking about Grey's Anatomy, or whatever the fuck it was you were talking about.
I think there's a simple solution to this...I'm allowed to take a cattle prod into the movie theater with me. If anyone annoys me, I get to shock the piss out of them. Granted, I would probably abuse this newfound cattle prod power, but that's a risk I'm willing to take. People would probably be a lot less likely to talk about the great meal they had at Red Lobster the night before during a movie if the threat of a cattle prodding is looming.
One of these idiots' cell-phone also went off during the movie. This would be forgivable had the idiot in question not commented on the "Please turn off your cell-phone" jingle. So...you were reminded to turn it off...and...you clearly knew this...and...you still didn't turn it off? So...those sitting around you had to hear that shitty Metro Station song (a song so bad...don't get me started)? I'm...I'm getting pissed just thinking about it. My blood is literally boiling. There's steam shooting out of my ears. I'm turning into a hulk over this...Do you not know how to behave in public? Have you never been in a movie theater? Do you expect people to not be pissed at you? Or, do you realize this and just not care?...You dick...Maybe I shouldn't be given a cattle prod.
Overall, though, I'd recommend seeing Friday the 13th. It doesn't suck too bad. Jason is kind of a badass, like he should be. Man, I am all over the place.
On an awesome note, though. How about that "Inglorious Basterds" trailer? Pretty f'n awesome.
Keith
What I can't stand, however, is people who just ramble on at full volume. At least attempt to whisper, you dipshit. This rant stems from my experience at Friday the 13th yesterday. Now, this is a movie that cries for audience participation. Screaming, laughing...shit like that. But these two fuck-nuggets sitting behind me wouldn't shut up. Just having a nice little chat while I'm trying to focus on the suspense of seeing which young WB star is going to get murdalized next. I can't enjoy this movie with you chattering away about the most inconsequential bullshit in the history of inconsequential bullshit. Seriously...The movie barely lasts an hour and a half. Surely you and your dingleberry friend can go that long without talking about Grey's Anatomy, or whatever the fuck it was you were talking about.
I think there's a simple solution to this...I'm allowed to take a cattle prod into the movie theater with me. If anyone annoys me, I get to shock the piss out of them. Granted, I would probably abuse this newfound cattle prod power, but that's a risk I'm willing to take. People would probably be a lot less likely to talk about the great meal they had at Red Lobster the night before during a movie if the threat of a cattle prodding is looming.
One of these idiots' cell-phone also went off during the movie. This would be forgivable had the idiot in question not commented on the "Please turn off your cell-phone" jingle. So...you were reminded to turn it off...and...you clearly knew this...and...you still didn't turn it off? So...those sitting around you had to hear that shitty Metro Station song (a song so bad...don't get me started)? I'm...I'm getting pissed just thinking about it. My blood is literally boiling. There's steam shooting out of my ears. I'm turning into a hulk over this...Do you not know how to behave in public? Have you never been in a movie theater? Do you expect people to not be pissed at you? Or, do you realize this and just not care?...You dick...Maybe I shouldn't be given a cattle prod.
Overall, though, I'd recommend seeing Friday the 13th. It doesn't suck too bad. Jason is kind of a badass, like he should be. Man, I am all over the place.
On an awesome note, though. How about that "Inglorious Basterds" trailer? Pretty f'n awesome.
Keith
Monday, February 9, 2009
Why Horror matters.
Hey all,
I'm a pretty squeamish person. I don't like seeing gross stuff, really. I'm fairly easily scared, and jump out of my skin almost every time my phone vibrates. If something unexpectedly touches me I often say "Ow", just in case it might hurt me. Not to say that I'm a wimp, but I kind of am. Most people are.
"What the fuck is the point to this, Weekly Keith?", you may be asking yourself. Well, the point is that despite these things, I love horror movies. I always have. I mean, I fucking love horror movies. Everything about them. I generally like even the worst of them, most of the time because they are so bad. Why is it that someone who's so jumpy and is so easily disgusted by things loves movies who's only purpose is to make you jump and disgust you?
Most respectable film critics would say that there's something wrong with me for liking these movies, like I'm a sicko, or something. Those people, however, are jerks. As evidenced here:
http://www.boston.com/ae/movies/articles/2009/02/08/the_genre_that_wouldnt_die/
Resident boston.com douchebag Ty Burr goes on an incredibly reductive rant against slasher movies and their fans. He even at one point questions our literacy. (I am a fucking awesome reader, Ty. I can read circles around your ass.) He also at one point mentions how his friends who like slasher films can only come up with "I just like it" as the only defense for their fandom. Well, first of all, Ty Burr must have really stupid friends...and B.) I highly doubt that any horror fan would be rendered stupid enough by Ty to reduce their enjoyment of slashers so greatly. What I'm really trying to say is that Ty Burr is full of shit.
But he's not alone. Roger Ebert, one of my favorite critics (cliche? who gives a rat's ass?), has famously crusaded against slashers:
...Why do they hate these movies so much? I don't like seeing gross things, I am easily scared, I don't want anyone to die. Am I really messed up for liking them? No. Fuck that...I'm never wrong.
It's precisely because I'm jumpy, squeamish, and afraid of death that I seek these movies out. They shine a light on all the fears that I have. I can confront my fears in a safe way. These movies show me my worst fears and, in a way, make me less afraid. I would even go so far as to say that the worse the film is, the better a job it does of making me not afraid in real life.
Take, for example, the Final Destination series. Here, the slasher isn't wearing a hockey mask, but is instead incredibly complicated accidents taking the lives of our teenagers. Now, accidents...that's a legitimate fear:
But it is a bit ridiculous to think that you could slip in your bathroom, and end up strangled in your shower by a detachable shower head. Despite the fact that there are a number of tragic accidental deaths, it's still highly unlikely that something like that will happen. It happens to a lot of people, but it doesn't happen to a whole hell of a lot more.
It's the same principle with all other horror movies. People like to confront the things that live in the deep dark recesses of their mind, and come out safe and sound on the other end. These movies scare you, make you jump, make you puke, but in the end they show you just how ridiculous some of your fears are. I'm never going to be murdered by a large dude in a hockey mask...I may have just jinxed myself.
Another reason, is that people like to be scared. There is a thrill to seeing something that you are terrified of, and no one getting hurt. There's a reason why most people react with laughter after being startled. "OH SHIT...you scared me...but I'm OK. HAHAHAHAHA." That's a regular thing for me...and you know what? I have a fuck-ton of fun. I think it's hilarious when something startles me.
I'm not discounting the fact that there are some sick people out there, who get off on seeing gore and mayhem. But, really they're easily spotted. They're usually tall red-headed dudes with massive beards...if you see anyone that looks like this, run away...call the police. It's best to err on the side of caution in these cases.
Anyway, I'm sure I could have made a better argument...but, whatever. Nobody reads this stupid blog anyway...so really, I can say whatever stupid shit crosses my mind. Man, I fucking love curse words.
Keith
I'm a pretty squeamish person. I don't like seeing gross stuff, really. I'm fairly easily scared, and jump out of my skin almost every time my phone vibrates. If something unexpectedly touches me I often say "Ow", just in case it might hurt me. Not to say that I'm a wimp, but I kind of am. Most people are.
"What the fuck is the point to this, Weekly Keith?", you may be asking yourself. Well, the point is that despite these things, I love horror movies. I always have. I mean, I fucking love horror movies. Everything about them. I generally like even the worst of them, most of the time because they are so bad. Why is it that someone who's so jumpy and is so easily disgusted by things loves movies who's only purpose is to make you jump and disgust you?
Most respectable film critics would say that there's something wrong with me for liking these movies, like I'm a sicko, or something. Those people, however, are jerks. As evidenced here:
http://www.boston.com/ae/movies/articles/2009/02/08/the_genre_that_wouldnt_die/
Resident boston.com douchebag Ty Burr goes on an incredibly reductive rant against slasher movies and their fans. He even at one point questions our literacy. (I am a fucking awesome reader, Ty. I can read circles around your ass.) He also at one point mentions how his friends who like slasher films can only come up with "I just like it" as the only defense for their fandom. Well, first of all, Ty Burr must have really stupid friends...and B.) I highly doubt that any horror fan would be rendered stupid enough by Ty to reduce their enjoyment of slashers so greatly. What I'm really trying to say is that Ty Burr is full of shit.
But he's not alone. Roger Ebert, one of my favorite critics (cliche? who gives a rat's ass?), has famously crusaded against slashers:
...Why do they hate these movies so much? I don't like seeing gross things, I am easily scared, I don't want anyone to die. Am I really messed up for liking them? No. Fuck that...I'm never wrong.
It's precisely because I'm jumpy, squeamish, and afraid of death that I seek these movies out. They shine a light on all the fears that I have. I can confront my fears in a safe way. These movies show me my worst fears and, in a way, make me less afraid. I would even go so far as to say that the worse the film is, the better a job it does of making me not afraid in real life.
Take, for example, the Final Destination series. Here, the slasher isn't wearing a hockey mask, but is instead incredibly complicated accidents taking the lives of our teenagers. Now, accidents...that's a legitimate fear:
But it is a bit ridiculous to think that you could slip in your bathroom, and end up strangled in your shower by a detachable shower head. Despite the fact that there are a number of tragic accidental deaths, it's still highly unlikely that something like that will happen. It happens to a lot of people, but it doesn't happen to a whole hell of a lot more.
It's the same principle with all other horror movies. People like to confront the things that live in the deep dark recesses of their mind, and come out safe and sound on the other end. These movies scare you, make you jump, make you puke, but in the end they show you just how ridiculous some of your fears are. I'm never going to be murdered by a large dude in a hockey mask...I may have just jinxed myself.
Another reason, is that people like to be scared. There is a thrill to seeing something that you are terrified of, and no one getting hurt. There's a reason why most people react with laughter after being startled. "OH SHIT...you scared me...but I'm OK. HAHAHAHAHA." That's a regular thing for me...and you know what? I have a fuck-ton of fun. I think it's hilarious when something startles me.
I'm not discounting the fact that there are some sick people out there, who get off on seeing gore and mayhem. But, really they're easily spotted. They're usually tall red-headed dudes with massive beards...if you see anyone that looks like this, run away...call the police. It's best to err on the side of caution in these cases.
Anyway, I'm sure I could have made a better argument...but, whatever. Nobody reads this stupid blog anyway...so really, I can say whatever stupid shit crosses my mind. Man, I fucking love curse words.
Keith
Friday, February 6, 2009
Michael Phelps is a mutant...
Michael Phelps is a mutant. You can't deny it. He's like the creature from the black lagoon, only without the scales.
This isn't meant to be an insult. Mutants are awesome. The X-Men are mutants. Fucking WOLVERINE is a mutant. So, in a way, Michael Phelps is like Wolverine, or Cyclops. His X-men name will be...Pooly. Yeah, that's all I could come up with. Give me a break, already. I'm under a lot of stress. Maybe I should smoke some pot...
Ah, the point emerges. Seriously, this dude is a kid who swims really fast. Why does this mean he can't smoke pot, other than the illegality, like other kids? I mean seriously, people are treating him like he's a heroin addict. "Oh, Phelps needs to apologize...". What the fuck does he need to apologize for? Getting stoned is a natural, and beautiful thing. Maybe his mutant body actually needs THC to produce some enzyme or something. What happens if Pooly stops smoking pot because of this and he can't swim fast anymore? What then? Somebody tell me.
I'd like to kick the shit out of all these ESPN dipshits (as an aside, dipshit is an awesome curse) for giving Pooly so much grief. Like they never got stoned. Those pricks...
...and Kellog's...Shame on you, Kellog's. As if you haven't made a boon selling Frosted Flakes to people who like to get high. As if. Hopefully General Mills will see the potential in sponsoring Pooly. Our little THC fueled swimming machine would be a great endorser of Lucky Charms.
You know what, Pooly? Don't you apologize for shit. You don't need to go to rehab, or any of that shit. Get stoned, brother, and swim...Swim like the fucking wind.
Keith
This isn't meant to be an insult. Mutants are awesome. The X-Men are mutants. Fucking WOLVERINE is a mutant. So, in a way, Michael Phelps is like Wolverine, or Cyclops. His X-men name will be...Pooly. Yeah, that's all I could come up with. Give me a break, already. I'm under a lot of stress. Maybe I should smoke some pot...
Ah, the point emerges. Seriously, this dude is a kid who swims really fast. Why does this mean he can't smoke pot, other than the illegality, like other kids? I mean seriously, people are treating him like he's a heroin addict. "Oh, Phelps needs to apologize...". What the fuck does he need to apologize for? Getting stoned is a natural, and beautiful thing. Maybe his mutant body actually needs THC to produce some enzyme or something. What happens if Pooly stops smoking pot because of this and he can't swim fast anymore? What then? Somebody tell me.
I'd like to kick the shit out of all these ESPN dipshits (as an aside, dipshit is an awesome curse) for giving Pooly so much grief. Like they never got stoned. Those pricks...
...and Kellog's...Shame on you, Kellog's. As if you haven't made a boon selling Frosted Flakes to people who like to get high. As if. Hopefully General Mills will see the potential in sponsoring Pooly. Our little THC fueled swimming machine would be a great endorser of Lucky Charms.
You know what, Pooly? Don't you apologize for shit. You don't need to go to rehab, or any of that shit. Get stoned, brother, and swim...Swim like the fucking wind.
Keith
Saturday, January 10, 2009
2008: a Weekly Keith year in review.
Hey all,
2008, a long year. Full of lots of adventures, parties, and all around skulduggery (awesome word, I don't know what it means, but I think it fits). There was a new president elected. But more importantly, there were some cool movies, so first order of business....
TOP TEN MOVIES OF 2008
1. The Dark Knight (Christopher Nolan)
2. The Wrestler (Darren Aronofsky)
3. WALL-E (Andrew Stanton)
4. In Bruges (Martin McDonagh)
5. Iron Man (Jon Favreau)
6. Standard Operating Procedure (Errol Morris)
7. Burn After Reading (Joel and Ethan Coen)
8. Pineapple Express (David Gordon Green)
9. Synecdoche, New York (Charlie Kaufman)
10. Hellboy II: The Golden Army (Guillermo Del Toro)
Honorable Mentions: Forgetting Sarah Marshall, Tropic Thunder, The Ruins, Role Models, Frost/Nixon
Of course, this is the most important top ten list you will read, because I know all, and my opinion is gold.
Other Keith awards...
Best music record: Austrian Death Machine - Total Brutal...You have to listen to this record. Even if you don't like metal, you will like this. All the songs are about Arnold Schwarzenegger. It's awesome.
Best non-music record: Didn't listen to any.
Best book: Didn't read any new ones. I did re-read a couple Stephen King books...umm, so they were good.
Best place to eat: Eagles Deli. Awesome, humongous burgers...with bacon.
Best blog: The Weekly Keith.
Least favorite moment: Actually happened in '09, but I'm bitter...The Colts choke...again. It's funny that the only year I think they have no chance they win the super bowl. Every other year they let me down. They are like an awesome steak dinner that you chow down on, and then you find a used band-aid in the last bite...sorry, that even grossed me out.
OK, I'm done blabbing. Post your top ten lists, or other miscellany. I look forward to arguing with you.
Keith
2008, a long year. Full of lots of adventures, parties, and all around skulduggery (awesome word, I don't know what it means, but I think it fits). There was a new president elected. But more importantly, there were some cool movies, so first order of business....
TOP TEN MOVIES OF 2008
1. The Dark Knight (Christopher Nolan)
2. The Wrestler (Darren Aronofsky)
3. WALL-E (Andrew Stanton)
4. In Bruges (Martin McDonagh)
5. Iron Man (Jon Favreau)
6. Standard Operating Procedure (Errol Morris)
7. Burn After Reading (Joel and Ethan Coen)
8. Pineapple Express (David Gordon Green)
9. Synecdoche, New York (Charlie Kaufman)
10. Hellboy II: The Golden Army (Guillermo Del Toro)
Honorable Mentions: Forgetting Sarah Marshall, Tropic Thunder, The Ruins, Role Models, Frost/Nixon
Of course, this is the most important top ten list you will read, because I know all, and my opinion is gold.
Other Keith awards...
Best music record: Austrian Death Machine - Total Brutal...You have to listen to this record. Even if you don't like metal, you will like this. All the songs are about Arnold Schwarzenegger. It's awesome.
Best non-music record: Didn't listen to any.
Best book: Didn't read any new ones. I did re-read a couple Stephen King books...umm, so they were good.
Best place to eat: Eagles Deli. Awesome, humongous burgers...with bacon.
Best blog: The Weekly Keith.
Least favorite moment: Actually happened in '09, but I'm bitter...The Colts choke...again. It's funny that the only year I think they have no chance they win the super bowl. Every other year they let me down. They are like an awesome steak dinner that you chow down on, and then you find a used band-aid in the last bite...sorry, that even grossed me out.
OK, I'm done blabbing. Post your top ten lists, or other miscellany. I look forward to arguing with you.
Keith
Friday, December 5, 2008
Animal Magnetism
So, I had a close call last night. I was mounting the steps to my apartment when I caught the pungent aroma of a skunk. I thought to myself "Self, you better watch out, there is a skunk nearby." I hadn't even finished this thought before...BAM...face to face with a skunk. I was only part-way up the steps, so I was eye to eye with this little cretin. He was about three feet away, so I didn't want to make any sudden movements and get him all spray-ey. Suddenly, he turns around, and I'm thinking "Goddamnit, I'm going to get a face-full of stench." Luckily, he just waddled away.
This got me to thinking about what the skunk came away from the incident thinking. Was he as relieved as I that our encounter turned out the way it did? I like to think he was as equally terrified of me as I was of him...and yes, I'll admit to being terrified of a skunk, and don't pretend you aren't the same way.
Or, was he regretful that he didn't give me a faceload of his skunk juice? Did he think, "Shit, I should have sprayed that motherfucker." If that's the case, I feel for the next person to come across that skunk. He won't hesitate, he'll just blast you like Yosemite Sam and scurry on his way.
Skunks are fairly horrid animals, but like most animals, they are incredibly fun to watch. They seem to lack confidence. They know they don't smell good, so the slink around, all hang-dog. They are very similar to Raccoons, except their smell prevents them from all the great hijinks that Raccoons get up to. That's what's great about a Raccoon. If you see one, you know he's up to something. If I were allowed to rename species, I would call Raccoons Shenanidogs.
Skunks would be putricats...see, it's a mixture of putrid and cat...
This is fun...A cow would be a Beefasaur...A Rhino would be a Hornadillo...A horse, would be a horse, because a horse is a horse is a horse, of course...
Why did those lame scientists get to name all the animals? I could have done so much better.
Y'all need to rename some animals and post them...The best name gets a...MILLION DOLLARS!!! worth of congratulations.
Keith
This got me to thinking about what the skunk came away from the incident thinking. Was he as relieved as I that our encounter turned out the way it did? I like to think he was as equally terrified of me as I was of him...and yes, I'll admit to being terrified of a skunk, and don't pretend you aren't the same way.
Or, was he regretful that he didn't give me a faceload of his skunk juice? Did he think, "Shit, I should have sprayed that motherfucker." If that's the case, I feel for the next person to come across that skunk. He won't hesitate, he'll just blast you like Yosemite Sam and scurry on his way.
Skunks are fairly horrid animals, but like most animals, they are incredibly fun to watch. They seem to lack confidence. They know they don't smell good, so the slink around, all hang-dog. They are very similar to Raccoons, except their smell prevents them from all the great hijinks that Raccoons get up to. That's what's great about a Raccoon. If you see one, you know he's up to something. If I were allowed to rename species, I would call Raccoons Shenanidogs.
Skunks would be putricats...see, it's a mixture of putrid and cat...
This is fun...A cow would be a Beefasaur...A Rhino would be a Hornadillo...A horse, would be a horse, because a horse is a horse is a horse, of course...
Why did those lame scientists get to name all the animals? I could have done so much better.
Y'all need to rename some animals and post them...The best name gets a...MILLION DOLLARS!!! worth of congratulations.
Keith
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
A Bold, Fresh, Steaming pile of "The Stuff"
There is this movie called "The Stuff". It's pretty awesome. It's about this...stuff, that these two hobos discover bubbling up out of the earth. Being hobos they eat some of it, and decide that it's delicious. Next thing you know, people are addicted to the stuff. It looks like whipped cream (which is quite tasty if you've never tried it), but it is so delicious that people eat it for every meal. It turns out that this...stuff is actually some kind of alien life-form that is taking over the world.
Now, I saw this movie when I was pretty young, but even then I didn't really think the idea of being enslaved by an alien desert product was all that terrifying. I thought, "how bad could these aliens be if they let us eat meals consisting of whipped cream?" Seriously, that would be the tits. But recently I was thinking about how easy it would be for me to be brainwashed...I know, quite a leap, right? But seriously, replace alien whipped cream with bacon, and I'd be so done. I would totally sell my soul to an alien piece of bacon, if the price of obedience was to eat bacon for every meal. Now, upon further reflection, "The Stuff" is a terrifying piece of cinema. If any evil alien race, or brutal dictator is able to create the ultimate food, we'd be sunk. The key to controlling people isn't to control their minds...It's to control their taste buds.
That is fucking creepy...Also, it's creepy that this alien life-form wants nothing more than to be eaten. Oh, my God. That is sooooo creepy. What a weird alien.
Which leads me to another thought...Space. Space is creepy. You know that guy? The one who talks about space and physics and stuff? Anyway, he says that the universe is expanding. See, I always thought that the universe was endless. If the universe isn't endless, then it's contained in a world, or something like that...But, what is that world in? Is it like a Russian doll? Jesus Christ...I think I just had a stroke.
-
Thanksgiving is next week...Don't forget to thank somebody for something.
Keith
Now, I saw this movie when I was pretty young, but even then I didn't really think the idea of being enslaved by an alien desert product was all that terrifying. I thought, "how bad could these aliens be if they let us eat meals consisting of whipped cream?" Seriously, that would be the tits. But recently I was thinking about how easy it would be for me to be brainwashed...I know, quite a leap, right? But seriously, replace alien whipped cream with bacon, and I'd be so done. I would totally sell my soul to an alien piece of bacon, if the price of obedience was to eat bacon for every meal. Now, upon further reflection, "The Stuff" is a terrifying piece of cinema. If any evil alien race, or brutal dictator is able to create the ultimate food, we'd be sunk. The key to controlling people isn't to control their minds...It's to control their taste buds.
That is fucking creepy...Also, it's creepy that this alien life-form wants nothing more than to be eaten. Oh, my God. That is sooooo creepy. What a weird alien.
Which leads me to another thought...Space. Space is creepy. You know that guy? The one who talks about space and physics and stuff? Anyway, he says that the universe is expanding. See, I always thought that the universe was endless. If the universe isn't endless, then it's contained in a world, or something like that...But, what is that world in? Is it like a Russian doll? Jesus Christ...I think I just had a stroke.
-
Thanksgiving is next week...Don't forget to thank somebody for something.
Keith
Monday, October 27, 2008
Scuttlebutt
So...Since the last Weekly Keith a lot has happened...I guess. My blog isn't as weekly as promised, but you should be thankful for what little of me you get.
Um...Yeah. Where to start? It's nearly Halloween...Awesome. It's also nearly time for the election...Maybe awesome? I think Halloween is way cooler than elections, and the one-day Halloween hangover isn't nearly as bad as the four-year hangover that follows each election.
This political season is really annoying, though. Namely that naughty librarian Sarah Palin. I really want to know who the genius was in the McCain campaign who picked her over any of the other, more qualified people. It has nothing to do with her politics, either. She is just extremely annoying. That shrill voice, the super-crafted hairdo, the winks and nods...It feels like she's coming on to the country during her TV appearances. That's not endearing, that's creepy.
...and, don't get me started on the Joe SixPack crap. OK, you can get me started. What a load of horseshit. She's basically saying that the average American male is a "Joe SixPack". This simply isn't true, and it's kind of offensive. There is only ONE Joe SixPack. He's a legend, and this woman is trying to make that beautiful man average. He's not. He and his brothers, Mike 12-pack and Tim "dirty" thirty-pack, are some of the most awesome men alive. While I wish the average man was like Joe SixPack, it's just not the case. He's worked hard to be so awesome, and this woman has no business bringing his name down with the common folk.
Anyway, enough politics...Politics is stupid...Politics are stupid. I don't know which is the grammatically correct, but who cares?
Let's talk about crazy people who ride the train. It seems that every time I ride the Subway by myself every weird person wants to ride it as well. A few weeks ago, a local Boston University legend got on the train. I'm talking about the guy who wears the weight vest, and ankle weights and runs up and down Commonwealth. This guy...what a character. So, he gets on the train, and apparently he can't be still, so he starts doing push-ups. PUSH-UPS, right there on the train. I know, right. This wouldn't be so weird if the train wasn't completely packed. Normally, I would find this behavior to be kind of funny. The only problem is that he decided to stand right next to me when he started his impromptu work-out. I couldn't go anywhere. I just had to be uncomfortable, and pretend I didn't notice this man doing push-ups in a crowded subway car. Well, it only lasted for a bit. It was kind of awesome, though, because when we reached he stop, he crouched down like he was going to just leap out of the train. He didn't, but I thought he was going to. What does this man do for a living that he can't stop exercising when he's on the train? It's kind of frightening.
There are other weird people, like the gregarious dude with a peanut-shaped head, or the lady who sings to herself, but they aren't as in-your-face as push-up dude.
anyway, until next week (read: next month)
Keith
Um...Yeah. Where to start? It's nearly Halloween...Awesome. It's also nearly time for the election...Maybe awesome? I think Halloween is way cooler than elections, and the one-day Halloween hangover isn't nearly as bad as the four-year hangover that follows each election.
This political season is really annoying, though. Namely that naughty librarian Sarah Palin. I really want to know who the genius was in the McCain campaign who picked her over any of the other, more qualified people. It has nothing to do with her politics, either. She is just extremely annoying. That shrill voice, the super-crafted hairdo, the winks and nods...It feels like she's coming on to the country during her TV appearances. That's not endearing, that's creepy.
...and, don't get me started on the Joe SixPack crap. OK, you can get me started. What a load of horseshit. She's basically saying that the average American male is a "Joe SixPack". This simply isn't true, and it's kind of offensive. There is only ONE Joe SixPack. He's a legend, and this woman is trying to make that beautiful man average. He's not. He and his brothers, Mike 12-pack and Tim "dirty" thirty-pack, are some of the most awesome men alive. While I wish the average man was like Joe SixPack, it's just not the case. He's worked hard to be so awesome, and this woman has no business bringing his name down with the common folk.
Anyway, enough politics...Politics is stupid...Politics are stupid. I don't know which is the grammatically correct, but who cares?
Let's talk about crazy people who ride the train. It seems that every time I ride the Subway by myself every weird person wants to ride it as well. A few weeks ago, a local Boston University legend got on the train. I'm talking about the guy who wears the weight vest, and ankle weights and runs up and down Commonwealth. This guy...what a character. So, he gets on the train, and apparently he can't be still, so he starts doing push-ups. PUSH-UPS, right there on the train. I know, right. This wouldn't be so weird if the train wasn't completely packed. Normally, I would find this behavior to be kind of funny. The only problem is that he decided to stand right next to me when he started his impromptu work-out. I couldn't go anywhere. I just had to be uncomfortable, and pretend I didn't notice this man doing push-ups in a crowded subway car. Well, it only lasted for a bit. It was kind of awesome, though, because when we reached he stop, he crouched down like he was going to just leap out of the train. He didn't, but I thought he was going to. What does this man do for a living that he can't stop exercising when he's on the train? It's kind of frightening.
There are other weird people, like the gregarious dude with a peanut-shaped head, or the lady who sings to herself, but they aren't as in-your-face as push-up dude.
anyway, until next week (read: next month)
Keith
Sunday, August 31, 2008
5 Beers that rule, 5 Beers that suck
Hey all, if there's one thing I love, it's beer. If there's another thing I love, it's lists. So, how about a combination of two of my favorite things. LISTS ABOUT BEER!!!!!!!!!
5 BEERS THAT ARE AWESOME - - -
Yuengling - An awesome beer from the wilds of Pennsylvania. It's best served extremely cold, like most beer, and is both incredibly refreshing with a robust flavor. It's awesome because you can drink it all night and its taste won't ever wear out its welcome, unlike some other American beers. It's also cheap.
One problem with Yuengling is that it's extremely regional. You can't get it in a lot of the country, but it's slowly making its way to you. Just wait, you're in for a treat.
On a scale of 1 to 10 on the drunkening scale, I'd give Yuengling a 9. You can drink as much as you want and it won't taste bad, and it isn't that filling, so you won't feel like you have a bowling ball in your stomach.
Sierra Nevada Pale Ale - From the post-apocalyptic wastes of California comes a truly, and I mean truly, awesome entry into the annals of beerdom. Full bodied and proud of it, this Pale Ale will make you wonder why you ever drank that foul piss-tasting beer you drank in high school and undergrad. Goddammit, this is a great tasting beer. The kind of beer where belching is actually kind of a pleasure, instead of just a formality.
This gets a 7.5 on the drunkening scale, because while it will get you effectively drunk, it is a tad bit pricey. This isn't a party beer. This is a beer you drink simply for the sake of drinking it.
Guinness - Yes!!! The stout preferred by people who live by stout. Like drinking an awesome beer milkshake, this goes down smooth. So creamy and rich you just want to bath in it, or at least have a bath tub full of it. It's also quite nice to watch it settle in the glass. This is a beer to be respected. If you ever see anyone drinking this straight out of a can or bottle, do the world a favor and punch them in the kidney. That, or give them a glass to drink it out of like a person with class.
The problem with this, like most stouts, is that it's stout, and is unforgiving to weak stomachs. Drinking Guinness is like eating a meal. A delicious, delicious meal.
9.5 on the drunkening scale. This beer will chew you up and spit you out if you're not careful. One minute you're enjoying the nice creamy flavor, then next you're falling into a ditch. Just like that.
Boddingtons Pub Ale - A nice creamy bitter that starts giving and doesn't stop. Its golden color just cries out, "drink me until you bust your gut." Well, are you gonna be the one to turn it down? I didn't think so. Go get yourself a pint, right now.
8.5 on the drunkening scale. The problem is that you catch yourself looking at the beautiful pint glass more than you drink it. I've managed to get past its hypnotic qualities, but it is a risk you take.
Finally, Miller High Life - Didn't expect to see this on my list? Well, go fuck yourself, you smug prick. This is my list, not yours. Champagne of beers? Goddamn right it is. Cheap and All American. Oh yeah, I'm living the high life. Any good bar in the country will give you either this, or Pabst Blue Ribbon, and while I don't hate on the PBR, High Life smacks it down a few pegs. This beer goes with anything. Eating a burger? Have a High Life. Going fishing? Take along a 12-pack. Beer Pong, Flippy Cup, or Quarters? Check. This is an all-purpose beer, and it loves you.
16 on the drunkening scale. It's cheap, it tastes good, and it's never done wrong by me.
...and now, the part that you've all been waiting for...
5 BEERS THAT SUCK ASS
Coors/Miller/Bud/you name it Light - Light beer, even if it's award winning, is a travesty. It's an abomination. But the mass produced ones are the worst offenders. I mean, if somebody gives me one I won't turn it down, but...I won't really be enjoying it. I regret my high school days of drinking this swill. I mean, why drink the light version, when you can have the real thing? Bud, Coors, Busch, etc...are far from being good, but they are better than their watered down counterparts.
Blueberry Ale - I'm sure you can get some incarnation of this terrible idea at places all over the country. For the uninitiated, this is an ale made from blueberries and, if that wasn't gross enough, it also has blueberries floating in it. You know those hot summer days when you take cold Pepsi outside and set it down? I know you do. Well you also know that one time when you didn't pay attention when a fly landed in it, and you took a drink and the fly got in your mouth, then. That's what I would compare this to. Those fucking blueberries, touching my lips when I drink, getting in my mouth. Fuck those fucking blueberries.
Raspberry Hefe Weizen - Again, lots of different incarnations, all tasting like the electric chair must taste. I'd like the flavor to mixing a bowl full of skittles with a serving of Fruity Pebbles cereal, and then dumping a fine tasting wheat beer over both of them. Mix it up into a fine paste, and then eat it. Yeah, I know. The only thing worse than the taste this, is the aftertaste, which won't ever leave your palette.
Gonzo Imperial Porter by Flying Dog Brewery - I have to give the full name and those responsible for this absolute disaster. Flying. Dog. Brewery. Remember that. Gonzo. Imperial. Porter. Remember that as well. This is a full bodied beer, with a very high alcohol content. So, in theory it could get you really drunk. In practice, however, it tastes like shit. I would say piss, but it's too thick. You couldn't get drunk with this beer unless you have no taste buds, and even then I have trouble believing it. There are too many independent breweries that taking a decent beer recipe and amping it up will always make it awesome. Sometimes that works, but this time it doesn't. This time it makes a beer that should taste like a porter taste like a mouthful of butt-worms. The Hunter S. Thompson reference should lend itself more to something that is able to get you drunk, not something that takes a gargantuan effort to get past one glass.
Labatt Blue - Canadian beer is not good. There. I said it. People may disagree, a whole country, in fact, but I don't care. The fact that there are people who fool themselves into thinking they are drinking quality beer because it comes from Canada really makes me want to scream at something, and most times it's that person. I'm not one of those anti-Canada people, but their beer is piss and that's all there is to it. It's just piss that you overpay for. Fuck Canadian beer...and fuck the hosers that drink it.
Anyway, that's my beer rant.
Peace
5 BEERS THAT ARE AWESOME - - -
Yuengling - An awesome beer from the wilds of Pennsylvania. It's best served extremely cold, like most beer, and is both incredibly refreshing with a robust flavor. It's awesome because you can drink it all night and its taste won't ever wear out its welcome, unlike some other American beers. It's also cheap.
One problem with Yuengling is that it's extremely regional. You can't get it in a lot of the country, but it's slowly making its way to you. Just wait, you're in for a treat.
On a scale of 1 to 10 on the drunkening scale, I'd give Yuengling a 9. You can drink as much as you want and it won't taste bad, and it isn't that filling, so you won't feel like you have a bowling ball in your stomach.
Sierra Nevada Pale Ale - From the post-apocalyptic wastes of California comes a truly, and I mean truly, awesome entry into the annals of beerdom. Full bodied and proud of it, this Pale Ale will make you wonder why you ever drank that foul piss-tasting beer you drank in high school and undergrad. Goddammit, this is a great tasting beer. The kind of beer where belching is actually kind of a pleasure, instead of just a formality.
This gets a 7.5 on the drunkening scale, because while it will get you effectively drunk, it is a tad bit pricey. This isn't a party beer. This is a beer you drink simply for the sake of drinking it.
Guinness - Yes!!! The stout preferred by people who live by stout. Like drinking an awesome beer milkshake, this goes down smooth. So creamy and rich you just want to bath in it, or at least have a bath tub full of it. It's also quite nice to watch it settle in the glass. This is a beer to be respected. If you ever see anyone drinking this straight out of a can or bottle, do the world a favor and punch them in the kidney. That, or give them a glass to drink it out of like a person with class.
The problem with this, like most stouts, is that it's stout, and is unforgiving to weak stomachs. Drinking Guinness is like eating a meal. A delicious, delicious meal.
9.5 on the drunkening scale. This beer will chew you up and spit you out if you're not careful. One minute you're enjoying the nice creamy flavor, then next you're falling into a ditch. Just like that.
Boddingtons Pub Ale - A nice creamy bitter that starts giving and doesn't stop. Its golden color just cries out, "drink me until you bust your gut." Well, are you gonna be the one to turn it down? I didn't think so. Go get yourself a pint, right now.
8.5 on the drunkening scale. The problem is that you catch yourself looking at the beautiful pint glass more than you drink it. I've managed to get past its hypnotic qualities, but it is a risk you take.
Finally, Miller High Life - Didn't expect to see this on my list? Well, go fuck yourself, you smug prick. This is my list, not yours. Champagne of beers? Goddamn right it is. Cheap and All American. Oh yeah, I'm living the high life. Any good bar in the country will give you either this, or Pabst Blue Ribbon, and while I don't hate on the PBR, High Life smacks it down a few pegs. This beer goes with anything. Eating a burger? Have a High Life. Going fishing? Take along a 12-pack. Beer Pong, Flippy Cup, or Quarters? Check. This is an all-purpose beer, and it loves you.
16 on the drunkening scale. It's cheap, it tastes good, and it's never done wrong by me.
...and now, the part that you've all been waiting for...
5 BEERS THAT SUCK ASS
Coors/Miller/Bud/you name it Light - Light beer, even if it's award winning, is a travesty. It's an abomination. But the mass produced ones are the worst offenders. I mean, if somebody gives me one I won't turn it down, but...I won't really be enjoying it. I regret my high school days of drinking this swill. I mean, why drink the light version, when you can have the real thing? Bud, Coors, Busch, etc...are far from being good, but they are better than their watered down counterparts.
Blueberry Ale - I'm sure you can get some incarnation of this terrible idea at places all over the country. For the uninitiated, this is an ale made from blueberries and, if that wasn't gross enough, it also has blueberries floating in it. You know those hot summer days when you take cold Pepsi outside and set it down? I know you do. Well you also know that one time when you didn't pay attention when a fly landed in it, and you took a drink and the fly got in your mouth, then. That's what I would compare this to. Those fucking blueberries, touching my lips when I drink, getting in my mouth. Fuck those fucking blueberries.
Raspberry Hefe Weizen - Again, lots of different incarnations, all tasting like the electric chair must taste. I'd like the flavor to mixing a bowl full of skittles with a serving of Fruity Pebbles cereal, and then dumping a fine tasting wheat beer over both of them. Mix it up into a fine paste, and then eat it. Yeah, I know. The only thing worse than the taste this, is the aftertaste, which won't ever leave your palette.
Gonzo Imperial Porter by Flying Dog Brewery - I have to give the full name and those responsible for this absolute disaster. Flying. Dog. Brewery. Remember that. Gonzo. Imperial. Porter. Remember that as well. This is a full bodied beer, with a very high alcohol content. So, in theory it could get you really drunk. In practice, however, it tastes like shit. I would say piss, but it's too thick. You couldn't get drunk with this beer unless you have no taste buds, and even then I have trouble believing it. There are too many independent breweries that taking a decent beer recipe and amping it up will always make it awesome. Sometimes that works, but this time it doesn't. This time it makes a beer that should taste like a porter taste like a mouthful of butt-worms. The Hunter S. Thompson reference should lend itself more to something that is able to get you drunk, not something that takes a gargantuan effort to get past one glass.
Labatt Blue - Canadian beer is not good. There. I said it. People may disagree, a whole country, in fact, but I don't care. The fact that there are people who fool themselves into thinking they are drinking quality beer because it comes from Canada really makes me want to scream at something, and most times it's that person. I'm not one of those anti-Canada people, but their beer is piss and that's all there is to it. It's just piss that you overpay for. Fuck Canadian beer...and fuck the hosers that drink it.
Anyway, that's my beer rant.
Peace
Friday, August 29, 2008
Why you should care what I think.
This is my first foray into this whole Blog thing, and truth be told, I don't know where to begin.
So, how about a little biogrification. and by that I mean the short and awesome history of me, Keith Keal.
I was born on a dark and stormy night in Rushville, Indiana. They say at the exact moment of my birth half of the small town's population went insane, and murdered the other half. I have to say, the fact of my survival definitely puts this into question.
I grew up on a farm, the child of a Longshoreman and a midwife/abortionist. I had one brother who traveled with a circus as Jobbo the Coyote rider. We were often short of funds, due to the fact that my father had a crippling fear of water, which isn't conducive to being a Longshoreman. That, and there are no long shores in Indiana.
That isn't really true, but you didn't need anyone to tell you that, did you? I did grow up on a farm. My dad was in construction, and my mom is a nursing supervisor at a local hospital/drunk people who hurt themselves service station. My brother drives a truck, and has a wife and a house.
I had a childhood. Went to school. Went to college, and now I'm in grad school.
So, that's why you should care what I think. Wait...that was stupid. You shouldn't care what I think. That was a ridiculous biography. Most of it was lies, and...Who cares? Really, in this blog I'm gonna talk about my favorite stuff, my least favorite stuff, my sort of cool things, my not so cool things, any interesting experiences, people who make me happy, people who piss me off, politics, religion, warmongering, partying, The Great Wall of China, good food, bad food, movies, music, Patrick Warburton, etc... So, come back and read it.
Until next week...
So, how about a little biogrification. and by that I mean the short and awesome history of me, Keith Keal.
I was born on a dark and stormy night in Rushville, Indiana. They say at the exact moment of my birth half of the small town's population went insane, and murdered the other half. I have to say, the fact of my survival definitely puts this into question.
I grew up on a farm, the child of a Longshoreman and a midwife/abortionist. I had one brother who traveled with a circus as Jobbo the Coyote rider. We were often short of funds, due to the fact that my father had a crippling fear of water, which isn't conducive to being a Longshoreman. That, and there are no long shores in Indiana.
That isn't really true, but you didn't need anyone to tell you that, did you? I did grow up on a farm. My dad was in construction, and my mom is a nursing supervisor at a local hospital/drunk people who hurt themselves service station. My brother drives a truck, and has a wife and a house.
I had a childhood. Went to school. Went to college, and now I'm in grad school.
So, that's why you should care what I think. Wait...that was stupid. You shouldn't care what I think. That was a ridiculous biography. Most of it was lies, and...Who cares? Really, in this blog I'm gonna talk about my favorite stuff, my least favorite stuff, my sort of cool things, my not so cool things, any interesting experiences, people who make me happy, people who piss me off, politics, religion, warmongering, partying, The Great Wall of China, good food, bad food, movies, music, Patrick Warburton, etc... So, come back and read it.
Until next week...
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