I just watched Peter Berg's Battleship. You know, the movie based on the Battleship board game that everybody was clamoring for... I'm just gonna be real up front about this: FUCK THIS MOVIE!!! No, seriously, FUCK THIS MOVIE!!!
OK, now that's out of the way, let me say I'm not one of those people who hates big summer movies. In fact, I'm the opposite. I love the big summer movies, where shit blows up and then more shit blows up. Transformers? Fuckin' loved 'em. The Expendables? Sign me up. That should tell you what you need to know. So, what was it that pissed me off so much about this movie? Well, I'll get right to it.
1. Every single human being in this film is annoying. The only reason I didn't like the Aliens more is that they're big fucking pussies. This movie made me want the Aliens to kill every single person that I saw, and the reason I hate the Aliens is because they don't do that. But, let's narrow it down to the main character. Stone Hopper... that's right, he's named Stone Hopper. Nobody, and I mean nobody, would give their kid such an absolutely retarded name. So, that's strike one. Strike two is that he's as stupid as his name. He's that annoying, moronic side-kick to the villain in a good movie that gets killed real early because he's so stupid. Not this movie, though. This movie makes him the main character, and we have to watch his stupidity for what feels like seven hours, but is actually more like two. Seriously, who thinks stealing a chicken burrito will win over a smoking hot chick? Oh, wait, in this movie that's something that would really happen, because the girl falls for him because of it, the dumb twat. Also, Stone Hopper has a stupid fucking face, and we have to look at it in way too many slow motion close-ups. Seriously, this fucking guy's go-to face is what a Gorilla must look like when he's trying to figure out how to boot up a Playstation.
2. None of it makes any sense. None of it. First of all, some dipshit scientists decide to fire up a satellite to get ahold of some Aliens, and right off the bat everyone's all 'this is a bad idea.' Seriously, why the fuck are you contacting the Aliens if you're so shit-in-your-pants scared they might come visit? Then, when they get here, you immediately start trying to blow the fuck out of them, and foil them at every turn. The Aliens want to communicate with their home planet, why not try to help them? Why not see if they're friendly? Why immediately treat them like the bad guys? I don't get why everyone is so afraid of these stupid Aliens, either. They suck. First of all, they fuck up their landing by crashing into a satellite, because they're such great pilots... then they get beaten by fucking BATTLESHIPS. That's right, battleships. Not cruise missiles, or earth diseases, or the combined powers of Captain Planet. No, a rickety ass battleship completely foils their plan... oh wait... it doesn't. We stopped them from communicating with their home planet, so that solves everything, right? Except for the fact that THEY KNEW WHERE THE FUCK WE WERE ALL ALONG!!! You don't think the head honchos back on planet piss won't send another group of ships along?
3. It's a slap in the face to the military. This movie makes a point of having actual soldiers playing different roles. That's cool and all, but I really can't believe that none of them called bullshit on all the rampant military bullshit that goes on in this movie. First of all, and relating to point number one, the main character is a complete fucktard who every single person in the movie makes a point call a fucktard at some point, to his face. When we first see him, he's getting tazed by the police for being a fucktard. Cut to: He's now an officer in the Navy. See, he wasn't an officer in the navy already when he's tazed... apparently that's the punishment for breaking the law in Hawaii. It sends the message that when you've fucked your life up completely, your only option is to become an officer in the Navy. If I were an officer in the Navy, I'd be like, 'Hey, fuck you, Pete Berg.'
On this same point, it really makes the military look incompetent. They come up against this awesome looking Alien ship, and their first reaction is to shoot at it. I really hope this isn't the military's actual protocol, because if it is, then I bet there are a lot of awkward moments when they meet somebody new.
4. The final, and most important, point. This movie is a waste. It's a waste of money. It's a waste of talent. It's a waste of resources. It's a waste of time. I got to see the sets that were built for this movie first hand, and it was incredible the effort and money that was spent. But, for what? From script to screen, everything about this movie is a waste. The production budget was something like $250 million. That's million with an M. That's ten $25 million movies. They could have found ten good scripts, and I guarantee you they'd have gotten a much better return on the investment. And that's the major problem with Hollywood today. The special effects, sets, and stunts in this movie are top notch, but you need more than that. Why did The Avengers, and The Dark Knight Rises make a billion dollars each? Because they had good scripts, and studio heads who know that it takes more than a massive budget to make a successful movie. They were movies that people wanted, and made the point to be more than hollow special effects. Nobody wanted this movie to begin with, and nobody wants it now that the money's spent, and the time's been wasted. Fuck this movie.
Anyway, that ends my rant.
Saturday, September 8, 2012
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