Animal Magnetism

So, I had a close call last night. I was mounting the steps to my apartment when I caught the pungent aroma of a skunk. I thought to myself "Self, you better watch out, there is a skunk nearby." I hadn't even finished this thought before...BAM...face to face with a skunk. I was only part-way up the steps, so I was eye to eye with this little cretin. He was about three feet away, so I didn't want to make any sudden movements and get him all spray-ey. Suddenly, he turns around, and I'm thinking "Goddamnit, I'm going to get a face-full of stench." Luckily, he just waddled away.

This got me to thinking about what the skunk came away from the incident thinking. Was he as relieved as I that our encounter turned out the way it did? I like to think he was as equally terrified of me as I was of him...and yes, I'll admit to being terrified of a skunk, and don't pretend you aren't the same way.

Or, was he regretful that he didn't give me a faceload of his skunk juice? Did he think, "Shit, I should have sprayed that motherfucker." If that's the case, I feel for the next person to come across that skunk. He won't hesitate, he'll just blast you like Yosemite Sam and scurry on his way.

Skunks are fairly horrid animals, but like most animals, they are incredibly fun to watch. They seem to lack confidence. They know they don't smell good, so the slink around, all hang-dog. They are very similar to Raccoons, except their smell prevents them from all the great hijinks that Raccoons get up to. That's what's great about a Raccoon. If you see one, you know he's up to something. If I were allowed to rename species, I would call Raccoons Shenanidogs.

Skunks would be putricats...see, it's a mixture of putrid and cat...

This is fun...A cow would be a Beefasaur...A Rhino would be a Hornadillo...A horse, would be a horse, because a horse is a horse is a horse, of course...

Why did those lame scientists get to name all the animals? I could have done so much better.

Y'all need to rename some animals and post them...The best name gets a...MILLION DOLLARS!!! worth of congratulations.

Keith

A Bold, Fresh, Steaming pile of "The Stuff"

There is this movie called "The Stuff". It's pretty awesome. It's about this...stuff, that these two hobos discover bubbling up out of the earth. Being hobos they eat some of it, and decide that it's delicious. Next thing you know, people are addicted to the stuff. It looks like whipped cream (which is quite tasty if you've never tried it), but it is so delicious that people eat it for every meal. It turns out that this...stuff is actually some kind of alien life-form that is taking over the world.

Now, I saw this movie when I was pretty young, but even then I didn't really think the idea of being enslaved by an alien desert product was all that terrifying. I thought, "how bad could these aliens be if they let us eat meals consisting of whipped cream?" Seriously, that would be the tits. But recently I was thinking about how easy it would be for me to be brainwashed...I know, quite a leap, right? But seriously, replace alien whipped cream with bacon, and I'd be so done. I would totally sell my soul to an alien piece of bacon, if the price of obedience was to eat bacon for every meal. Now, upon further reflection, "The Stuff" is a terrifying piece of cinema. If any evil alien race, or brutal dictator is able to create the ultimate food, we'd be sunk. The key to controlling people isn't to control their minds...It's to control their taste buds.

That is fucking creepy...Also, it's creepy that this alien life-form wants nothing more than to be eaten. Oh, my God. That is sooooo creepy. What a weird alien.

Which leads me to another thought...Space. Space is creepy. You know that guy? The one who talks about space and physics and stuff? Anyway, he says that the universe is expanding. See, I always thought that the universe was endless. If the universe isn't endless, then it's contained in a world, or something like that...But, what is that world in? Is it like a Russian doll? Jesus Christ...I think I just had a stroke.

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Thanksgiving is next week...Don't forget to thank somebody for something.

Keith

Scuttlebutt

So...Since the last Weekly Keith a lot has happened...I guess. My blog isn't as weekly as promised, but you should be thankful for what little of me you get.

Um...Yeah. Where to start? It's nearly Halloween...Awesome. It's also nearly time for the election...Maybe awesome? I think Halloween is way cooler than elections, and the one-day Halloween hangover isn't nearly as bad as the four-year hangover that follows each election.

This political season is really annoying, though. Namely that naughty librarian Sarah Palin. I really want to know who the genius was in the McCain campaign who picked her over any of the other, more qualified people. It has nothing to do with her politics, either. She is just extremely annoying. That shrill voice, the super-crafted hairdo, the winks and nods...It feels like she's coming on to the country during her TV appearances. That's not endearing, that's creepy.

...and, don't get me started on the Joe SixPack crap. OK, you can get me started. What a load of horseshit. She's basically saying that the average American male is a "Joe SixPack". This simply isn't true, and it's kind of offensive. There is only ONE Joe SixPack. He's a legend, and this woman is trying to make that beautiful man average. He's not. He and his brothers, Mike 12-pack and Tim "dirty" thirty-pack, are some of the most awesome men alive. While I wish the average man was like Joe SixPack, it's just not the case. He's worked hard to be so awesome, and this woman has no business bringing his name down with the common folk.

Anyway, enough politics...Politics is stupid...Politics are stupid. I don't know which is the grammatically correct, but who cares?

Let's talk about crazy people who ride the train. It seems that every time I ride the Subway by myself every weird person wants to ride it as well. A few weeks ago, a local Boston University legend got on the train. I'm talking about the guy who wears the weight vest, and ankle weights and runs up and down Commonwealth. This guy...what a character. So, he gets on the train, and apparently he can't be still, so he starts doing push-ups. PUSH-UPS, right there on the train. I know, right. This wouldn't be so weird if the train wasn't completely packed. Normally, I would find this behavior to be kind of funny. The only problem is that he decided to stand right next to me when he started his impromptu work-out. I couldn't go anywhere. I just had to be uncomfortable, and pretend I didn't notice this man doing push-ups in a crowded subway car. Well, it only lasted for a bit. It was kind of awesome, though, because when we reached he stop, he crouched down like he was going to just leap out of the train. He didn't, but I thought he was going to. What does this man do for a living that he can't stop exercising when he's on the train? It's kind of frightening.

There are other weird people, like the gregarious dude with a peanut-shaped head, or the lady who sings to herself, but they aren't as in-your-face as push-up dude.

anyway, until next week (read: next month)

Keith

5 Beers that rule, 5 Beers that suck

Hey all, if there's one thing I love, it's beer. If there's another thing I love, it's lists. So, how about a combination of two of my favorite things. LISTS ABOUT BEER!!!!!!!!!

5 BEERS THAT ARE AWESOME - - -

Yuengling - An awesome beer from the wilds of Pennsylvania. It's best served extremely cold, like most beer, and is both incredibly refreshing with a robust flavor. It's awesome because you can drink it all night and its taste won't ever wear out its welcome, unlike some other American beers. It's also cheap.
One problem with Yuengling is that it's extremely regional. You can't get it in a lot of the country, but it's slowly making its way to you. Just wait, you're in for a treat.
On a scale of 1 to 10 on the drunkening scale, I'd give Yuengling a 9. You can drink as much as you want and it won't taste bad, and it isn't that filling, so you won't feel like you have a bowling ball in your stomach.

Sierra Nevada Pale Ale - From the post-apocalyptic wastes of California comes a truly, and I mean truly, awesome entry into the annals of beerdom. Full bodied and proud of it, this Pale Ale will make you wonder why you ever drank that foul piss-tasting beer you drank in high school and undergrad. Goddammit, this is a great tasting beer. The kind of beer where belching is actually kind of a pleasure, instead of just a formality.
This gets a 7.5 on the drunkening scale, because while it will get you effectively drunk, it is a tad bit pricey. This isn't a party beer. This is a beer you drink simply for the sake of drinking it.

Guinness - Yes!!! The stout preferred by people who live by stout. Like drinking an awesome beer milkshake, this goes down smooth. So creamy and rich you just want to bath in it, or at least have a bath tub full of it. It's also quite nice to watch it settle in the glass. This is a beer to be respected. If you ever see anyone drinking this straight out of a can or bottle, do the world a favor and punch them in the kidney. That, or give them a glass to drink it out of like a person with class.
The problem with this, like most stouts, is that it's stout, and is unforgiving to weak stomachs. Drinking Guinness is like eating a meal. A delicious, delicious meal.
9.5 on the drunkening scale. This beer will chew you up and spit you out if you're not careful. One minute you're enjoying the nice creamy flavor, then next you're falling into a ditch. Just like that.

Boddingtons Pub Ale - A nice creamy bitter that starts giving and doesn't stop. Its golden color just cries out, "drink me until you bust your gut." Well, are you gonna be the one to turn it down? I didn't think so. Go get yourself a pint, right now.
8.5 on the drunkening scale. The problem is that you catch yourself looking at the beautiful pint glass more than you drink it. I've managed to get past its hypnotic qualities, but it is a risk you take.

Finally, Miller High Life - Didn't expect to see this on my list? Well, go fuck yourself, you smug prick. This is my list, not yours. Champagne of beers? Goddamn right it is. Cheap and All American. Oh yeah, I'm living the high life. Any good bar in the country will give you either this, or Pabst Blue Ribbon, and while I don't hate on the PBR, High Life smacks it down a few pegs. This beer goes with anything. Eating a burger? Have a High Life. Going fishing? Take along a 12-pack. Beer Pong, Flippy Cup, or Quarters? Check. This is an all-purpose beer, and it loves you.
16 on the drunkening scale. It's cheap, it tastes good, and it's never done wrong by me.

...and now, the part that you've all been waiting for...

5 BEERS THAT SUCK ASS

Coors/Miller/Bud/you name it Light - Light beer, even if it's award winning, is a travesty. It's an abomination. But the mass produced ones are the worst offenders. I mean, if somebody gives me one I won't turn it down, but...I won't really be enjoying it. I regret my high school days of drinking this swill. I mean, why drink the light version, when you can have the real thing? Bud, Coors, Busch, etc...are far from being good, but they are better than their watered down counterparts.

Blueberry Ale - I'm sure you can get some incarnation of this terrible idea at places all over the country. For the uninitiated, this is an ale made from blueberries and, if that wasn't gross enough, it also has blueberries floating in it. You know those hot summer days when you take cold Pepsi outside and set it down? I know you do. Well you also know that one time when you didn't pay attention when a fly landed in it, and you took a drink and the fly got in your mouth, then. That's what I would compare this to. Those fucking blueberries, touching my lips when I drink, getting in my mouth. Fuck those fucking blueberries.

Raspberry Hefe Weizen - Again, lots of different incarnations, all tasting like the electric chair must taste. I'd like the flavor to mixing a bowl full of skittles with a serving of Fruity Pebbles cereal, and then dumping a fine tasting wheat beer over both of them. Mix it up into a fine paste, and then eat it. Yeah, I know. The only thing worse than the taste this, is the aftertaste, which won't ever leave your palette.

Gonzo Imperial Porter by Flying Dog Brewery - I have to give the full name and those responsible for this absolute disaster. Flying. Dog. Brewery. Remember that. Gonzo. Imperial. Porter. Remember that as well. This is a full bodied beer, with a very high alcohol content. So, in theory it could get you really drunk. In practice, however, it tastes like shit. I would say piss, but it's too thick. You couldn't get drunk with this beer unless you have no taste buds, and even then I have trouble believing it. There are too many independent breweries that taking a decent beer recipe and amping it up will always make it awesome. Sometimes that works, but this time it doesn't. This time it makes a beer that should taste like a porter taste like a mouthful of butt-worms. The Hunter S. Thompson reference should lend itself more to something that is able to get you drunk, not something that takes a gargantuan effort to get past one glass.

Labatt Blue - Canadian beer is not good. There. I said it. People may disagree, a whole country, in fact, but I don't care. The fact that there are people who fool themselves into thinking they are drinking quality beer because it comes from Canada really makes me want to scream at something, and most times it's that person. I'm not one of those anti-Canada people, but their beer is piss and that's all there is to it. It's just piss that you overpay for. Fuck Canadian beer...and fuck the hosers that drink it.

Anyway, that's my beer rant.

Peace

Why you should care what I think.

This is my first foray into this whole Blog thing, and truth be told, I don't know where to begin.

So, how about a little biogrification. and by that I mean the short and awesome history of me, Keith Keal.

I was born on a dark and stormy night in Rushville, Indiana. They say at the exact moment of my birth half of the small town's population went insane, and murdered the other half. I have to say, the fact of my survival definitely puts this into question.

I grew up on a farm, the child of a Longshoreman and a midwife/abortionist. I had one brother who traveled with a circus as Jobbo the Coyote rider. We were often short of funds, due to the fact that my father had a crippling fear of water, which isn't conducive to being a Longshoreman. That, and there are no long shores in Indiana.

That isn't really true, but you didn't need anyone to tell you that, did you? I did grow up on a farm. My dad was in construction, and my mom is a nursing supervisor at a local hospital/drunk people who hurt themselves service station. My brother drives a truck, and has a wife and a house.

I had a childhood. Went to school. Went to college, and now I'm in grad school.

So, that's why you should care what I think. Wait...that was stupid. You shouldn't care what I think. That was a ridiculous biography. Most of it was lies, and...Who cares? Really, in this blog I'm gonna talk about my favorite stuff, my least favorite stuff, my sort of cool things, my not so cool things, any interesting experiences, people who make me happy, people who piss me off, politics, religion, warmongering, partying, The Great Wall of China, good food, bad food, movies, music, Patrick Warburton, etc... So, come back and read it.

Until next week...